Absolute Beginners

4.6.13.

Yes, Comrades

Dawn of the Dead, so it was. All three of us in almost a catatonic state, shuffling down the corridors and through the casino. The queue was pretty long, beautiful long, fucking stunning long. We got served finally and were given the wrong room number at Mandalay Bay. Forget Nameless But Never Shameless - fuck you, Jordan.

Luxor still the best. The room was nice, but $20 for nicely wrapped M&Ms? Must think we spend more money than the vatican. Utter madness. We got the gear on and made haste for the artificial beach, after realising the bag I'd lost wasn't lost at all.

The sand genuinely burnt my feet, but we were having a good one. There was a wave pool, skimpy waitresses, a pool, a beach bar and a jacuzzi that put me in the shoes of Angelika. There was even a sign warning about jellyfish that can escape from the aquarium. With this in mind, we waddled back to the room.

I have to admit I had a nap at this point, for an hour. Pretty sure it was during Family Feud, would you believe? Never mind. I woke up feeling like death and got dried off from the sweat. Once we'd gathered our wits, we took the walkway to the Luxor and out into the street. The heat was pretty intense, even at 6pm, but it was just about bareable. Enter Hooters.

Either times have changed, or the ladies weren't showing a high enough percentage of flesh. They're famous for their wings, I'm told. Our waitress, Ashley, left her name on a handkerchief which made great restroom company for the remainder of the evening. I hated the spicy garlic wings, as did m'colls. Never mind.

All three of us were still exhausted from the previous night. I'd draw this out but that was the end - we went back to our room, watched "Have ya checked whether it's lupus?!" (House) and passed out.

"Too scared to break the spell, too smart to take a fall"

Song

In a bit.

SD

Don't Swallow The Cap

3.6.13

Yes, Comrades

Be warned - this day begins the descent into Fear and Loathing. We woke at a fine time and checked out after failing to find speakers. Feeling reasonably healthy, we crossed the walkway into Excalibur. Honestly, I preferred Luxor. We got to our room (smoking my arse) and got cleaned up. On with Spongebob and down to the pool.

The biggest one was closed. By 2:30pm, so many people were already drunk it was just plain impressive. The ladies dipped their toes and I kicked my little feet for about an hour, as Sheba headed back to Luxor looking for her pillow. No joy. So we're all back in the room, smoking in the steamy bathroom and watching Family Feuds. Tea time.

Camelot. Camelot. Camelot! It's only a model. Or in this case, the best steakhouse in Vegas. French onion soup, a 10oz steak and chocolate lava cake with ice cream, with a few cocktails. To fucking die for, seriously. After that, some caniving cow tricked us into making our own music video, which we now own. Baby indeed got back.

Dolled up in the room, then it's time to do the Mario. Hopefully you get what I mean. Hallucinogenics, there. We strutted down the strip, getting escort cards and VIP passes til I've got nothing but a pocketful of titties. We went through The Chandelier Club, which was a pure trip. We made it to the Bellagio for the water show, but didn't stick around for it. At 1am we marched/flew back, making new friends (and in Sheba's case, boyfriends) all the way.

Back at Excalibur, we sipped ice water in ecstasy and I decided I wanted one more smoke before bed. This changed everything. They went to the restroom and I began overhearing quite a grim phone conversation. We reunited, and Mama began conversing with the phone lady. Her name was Sarah from Oregon and my God was she strange. Mama went to a party with some boyfriends and Nancy and I tried to stop Sarah from Oregon from having a nervous breakdown. She hated Vegas, she hated Excalibur and she hated sobriety most of all. Every time I was left with her, I was invited to her room and touched and oh God it was proper horrorshow. Eventually Nancy and I went to our room, contorting, and tried to sleep. Sheba came in at 5am, and we swallowed three hours of sleep.

"I'm not alone, I'll never be - and to the bone, I'm evergreen"

Song

In a bit.

SD

Vegas Two Times

2.6.13

Yes, Comrades

My head.

In a bit.

Nah, Mr and Mrs Nancy gave us a lift to Greyhound. The bus (sorry, "we") was half an hour late. Still, never mind. We sat there for nine hours, playing music, with the Kindle, and that was really all. The bus ride was fine, so many fucking stunning views as we paraded through Flagstaff, Kingman, Riverside - which is the Arizona they show you in the guidebooks.

We made stops at McDonalds and friends with connections. I had enough nicotine via stops and lozenges, so I was pacified. Them bastards kept taking me bloody photo an' all. Still, as I say, beautiful trip, with Random Access Memories keeping me satisfied. Listen, everyone, especially you, Don and Bunny Bongo: Get it, listen to it, love it.

Vegas, baby. Greyhound was right next to the Golden Nugget. It was 8pm, the neon and flashing was quite something to behold. A taxi took us down the freeway, as a certain song came on the radio, one from the aforementioned album, for the second day in a row.

The Luxor looked even grander than I remember. We checked in, and on the way to the room we were given VIP passes to the LAX club. Our room was bloody huge, it could easily fit thirty people. It also had a hot tub.

We got dolled up and headed for LAX. Open bar for two hours in this tiny place. Oh, this was after we met our connection and got geared up. The whisky...holy fuck, I think it was a quintuple, it nearly killed me.

We bought our own liquor from a gas station after this, to the room, a blunt and some beers, then splash and a rub a dub dub in the tub. We ordered three $30 sandwiches, and just had the time of our lives. Poor waiter didn't have a clue. We chatted a whole lot of shit as our souls drifted merrily away in that tub. Mama Sheba hit the hay, myself and Irie Nancy had one of those 3am chats. 4:40am, fade to black.

"Then to the S T U D I O 54, you gotta go"

Song

In a bit.

SD

Little Talks

1.6.13

Yes, Comrades

"Are you ready?" "Yep, let's go to Greyhound"
"Is that girl stoned or something? I hope she's not the one selling us our tickets. Does she know what day it is? See that? She just told the woman to go in the wrong door, then pointed after her and decided that was enough effort" "That'll be $25 please"

"This hotel, $86 for Sunday night. When I click this, there's no turning back" "Ok"

"Any malls we've missed?" "Scottsdale Fashion Square. I don't normally go, it's not a place I feel I belong." "Then let's go"
"It is a nice jacket after all, haven't properly treated myself yet"
"Nah, I don't belong in here either"

"This is one beautiful park. Ain't never seen me a goose before. Glad I'm wearing this shirt, can prove I wore it once now. My conscience is clear"

"Church's - I agree, much better than KFC. Leaning more towards salty than spicy, that rubs me up the right way"

"Here, try this man. It's just a little cap. You might start seeing shit, but you'll just have a good time, man. You might feel nothing at all" "You liar"
"That net thing is like a big jellyfish. Aw, it's cool. Oh! This song got me hyped for coming here! Get Lucky! Good, innit?" "Yeah, it's chill" "Daft Punk came to save the world, man!" "They did?" "Huh? Oh, I love this song too - Of Monsters And Men - Little Talks! This was playing when we played crazy golf, but you couldn't hear it" "Oh yeah, it was?" "Huh?"

"I think I'm packed. I'll see you at half nine. Goodnight" "Goodnight"
"Everything that's happening, it's happening for me. That bassline was put in, just for me. Is this Heaven? Best eat Applejack the bear, all of him"
"Why won't you stay down? All I want is to take a bath. Please, stay down! For fuck's sake, man. I just want to take a bath!"
"I should shoot a video"

"Don't listen to a word I say. The screams all sound the same"

Song

In a bit.

SD

Cariño

31.5.13.

Yes, Comrades

Another pill-induced early rise. This time though...We got a lift and stopped outside some K-Mart or other. Then comes the mid-smoke bombshell to end all mid-smoke bombshells: "I can't come to Vegas" This disrupted my plans quite heavily, I must admit. While murder and necrophilia weren't on my agenda per se, there were still plans based around a group of droogs, not just one. Fuck.

We got on the bus. That Kindle thing is dangerous in the wrong hands, as I demonstrated by playing Angry Gran Run like a senior executive manager (get it? Ha ha ha) then Four Pictures One Word gave me a carpool to the nearest local encampment and back (get it? Ha ha ha). The journey was over in no time.

We set foot in Camp Verde or Cliff Castle Casino & Hotel surrounded by a few buildings. Remember the strippers I mentioned? So many of them, strike one down and another springs up in her place. Like the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts, only with less joy behind their eyes. Well, swap them for old people and you've got yourself some goddamn Camp Verde, goddamnit.

I won on a few slot machines, as did Nancy. Nothing we didn't burn away trying to win more of course. I also found a $6 winnings voucher and felt like a winner. We also played virtual blackjack with a man with half a face (seriously) and an Asian lady. You know "Herro!" and "So preased to meet yo!"? Well, I'm here to tell you that little racist stereotype is entirely accurate - that's exactly how she talked.

We ate at the buffet for free - $10 got you a bus ticket, $25 of free casino credit and the buffet. Even to my American companions, that's crazy value. On the bus ride home, we realised something...

Back to hers to eat spaghetti with the family, which was lovely. I step outside for a smoke, then I'm ushered into a 'family talk'. I explain I'll be taking the Greyhound to Vegas now, eliminating any driving risk. Mr. Nancy calls Nancy a 'green horn', but then agrees to the trip. Yes, friends, after sensing that the driving was the issue, we changed travel plans, Mr. Nancy was satisfied with this and we're going to Vegas after all!

We headed to Sheba's to confirm travel plans (leaving a day late now) and smoke ourselves silly in celebration. I got signed Dredg too, what an upgrade.

Song

In a bit.

SD

The Jaguar

30.5.13

Yes, Comrades

I should point out I'm skipping some details (such as my roomkeeper Jacinta walking in on me in the glory and saying "Aw shit! I is so sorry!" and fucking off) for page space. The following detail isn't necessary: I was up at 7:00am to catch a bus we had the wrong time for and so, missed. Y'know?

On the way to Irie Nancy's we got a McD's blueberry and pomegranate smoothie, another thing we need. Then we headed for Castles 'n' Coasters. I'm told I say "Shit was so cash" a lot. So, shit was so cash. Log ride, rollercoaster, pendulum coaster thing, but no go karts. School trips ahoy, that queue was a piss take. So we had a go at the crazy golf.

Palace, mad scientist's lab, windmill, unicycle park...all in a day's work for the craziest, golfiest fuckers around. Oh, I lost my ball and we stopped keeping score after five holes - a hole in nine on a par two is a bit of a dignity stripper.

The arcade was my next cringy stage to dominate. House of the Dead 4, DDR (cheater), crane machines, Temple Run, Guitar Hero (which, by an eerie coincidence, gave me Sabotage by the Beastie Boys when I chose 'Random') then the Creature from the Black Lagoon pinball machine, and we faced off in air hockey. I lost at all the things.

Wal-Mart is Asda with double the choice and double the size. Bloody country o'mine...McDonalds is much the same, except they don't do small size. Ever. So we perused the Desert Sky and Christown Spectrum malls and went to Mama Sheba's, is what I'm trying to say.

We were joined by Trina. She's permanently stoned and has a fucking hilarious demeanor. She sounds exactly like a stock Brooklyn girl they use for the TV and films and that. They call her Tree. The amount of pot she smokes, I doubt that'll be an inaccurate nickname for long.

And now, amigos, we made for the Jaguar Club. This time they let me in. Me, Tree, Nancy and Sheba sit there in stony silence, while girls in Bertie Bassett bikinis feed us booze. Jack and Bud were my best friends. A few drinks and smokes later, the night's picked up. Next thing I know, a girl's bare nipples are in my mouth and Scottish people are 'sooo fuckin' sexy'. The Jaguar's a strip club. I didn't mention? Oops, la. A good 45 minutes of foreplay to the max on my lap later, I down Tree's beer and we go back to my motel room. We being Nancy and I. She drops me off, and I write this. Now if you'll excuse me, I have booty dust to wave off my crotch.

"I will always remember you smiling, running away from the rising tiger emotion against you"

Song

In a bit.

SD 

Sabotage

29.5.13.

Yes, Comrades

A nice, lazy morning reading about 300 year old but kind of 12 vampire girls who are really boys, and Irie Nancy nets us a lift. After that Kool-Aid that keeps getting kooler, we headed to Fascinations sex shop. We had no reason, but we didn't need one. Some of the stuff humanity can dream up boggles my bollocks. There was a TV crew there too, with some blonde bitch with all the answers hosting. We noticed it quite late, so if I make an appearance on some deviants documentary, you're fucking welcome.

Next, to an Italian deli. A keg of olives for $8 but a pithy meat selection. I was treated to a selection of olives, I cleaned myself up (wink wink) and we made for (the) Metro Center.

All the shops were shut. Well, not all, but a mad amount. This is apparently why no one goes anymore. I spent roughly a monkey on candy, trying to get all the iconic foods of the country. I got Sugar Babies, a Butterfinger, Laffy Taffy, 'darkside' Skittles (I'unno) and the biggest bloody gummy bear you ever saw in your life! I'm sat admiring it now, it looks far too good to eat. I shall name him Squishy and will I bollocks because I'm not pathetic. Hot Topic isn't that emo, by the way. Anyway, we visited another pet adoption center where yours truly and a scamp named Rusty had a Mexican standoff through the perspex. Last to Spencers gift shop. After a nice game with a dodgeball fashioned after a boobie while wearing our 'Fuck dem sluts' caps, we got John Lennon/bow tie glasses, respectively, and an ashtray, at last. A smoking room without an ashtray. Honestly...

Red Lobster! I had a Malibu Hurricane with my 1 1/4lb lobster (named Angelika to emphasise the fact I saw her alive a half hour before eating her and as such, ate a friend. Poor Nancy) and droogs, it was incredible. Seriously, I'm not big on seafood, but lobster is perfection. Had to YouTube how to eat the damn thing first mind you...

Quick stop at Mama Sheba's then to her brother Raoul's to smoke crazy strong stuff and watch a bit of Project X. Meh, nothing special.

The club we wanted in sabotaged us, would only accept my passport. Utter fuckrats. So we took Mama to hospital to see her brother James' newborn, then back to our respective abodes. And still not a boring day...

"Oh my God, it's a mirage - I'm telling you all, it's sabotage!"

Song

In a bit.

SD