Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss

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21.12.13.

Yes, Comrades

I wanna play a game. You have spent your whole life being a person...and doing...things. Today you will wake in a house that's not yours and have kinda no way out to have a smoke. The keys are here, but it will take a text to find out where they are. Live or die.

That sucked. Then the senior Nancys got back, we watched some of that film with bats where Christian Bale has marbles in his mouth then Mr Nancy and I went shopping, where I was totally blindsided as he got me shoes for Christmas. As would be expected, I had no idea what to say when this happened. We then went home to finish watching Tom Hardy punch concrete pillars apart and rub bellies (not each others'! Jesus!).

When Irie herself got back, we went to Pete's, which is basically a chippy. I got me square cod, breaded shrimp and chips, with The Journey's Midnight Train soundtracking the drive back. The food was good in the hood and nah I can't be bothered.

We went from Sheba's to her brother Raoul's. There, Ted was on. I like me some Mila Kunis but fuck, I needed out of there. Adding some Casa Rossa and a slammer to the beer in my belly, we headed to Ocean's Seven for Adriana(Raul's missus)'s birthday, after picking up her friends. That's eight of us in one car, and only one of us isn't Mexican. There are so many jokes I could make here but more importantly...

The club was bouncing, quite literally. We were packed into a tiny private area as more of Adriana's friends turned up and we started on the vodka. Adriana's chums...I think would be best described as such: Adriana is Snow White and she has her four little Mexicans: Grumpy, cause she don't smile much; Red, cause she has red hair; Cool, cause anyone who actually knows the guys on the door and so gets in without ID is pretty fucking cool, and Cher, because she looks like Cher. They seemed like nice girls all the same. There was also a guy as white as me there! Lawd it's a miracle!

You know how when Bugs Bunny is in his hole or house and a giant walks past and he bounces around the room? This club genuinely made you bounce even when outside, I can still feel the bass. A guy who looked and behaved exactly like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite and was on his own was there. He was bloody fascinating to watch. Poor Tree had to dance him off. We left and went home, bog standard ending.

"Just jot me down on your to-do list under 'put out like a fire'"

In a bit.

SD

Phoner To Arizona

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20.12.13.

Yes, Comrades

Following my complete bodily shutdown, I was up relatively early. We had the gaff all to ourselves, an opportunity we chose to invest in listening to Zappa, ZZ Top et al on the Classic Rock channel whilst I did the whole collecting badges and catchin' em all thing. Around one, we made haste to Sheba's, then to their work to pick up their pay.

Someone told me once to use the opening "Further to this" as it makes you sound smart. So, further to this, we stopped at the bank then off to Walmart for Christmas shopping. That's my favourite thing of all to do, by the way. I especially like it when you're bursting for a piss and the restroom's closed, for the whole time. Brilliant. All this while people who don't realise you're not at home keep trying to ring you, the knobheads. But when you leave with Cheetos, Sweetarts and grape juice, the piss stains pay for themselves. I'm joking.

Arizona Mills was next. We got separated at the Disney shop (don't ask) but eventually all got out in one...group. Dropping the shopping at the respective houses (God I feel so intelligent with those words), we had a nice fried chicken dinner at home. This included my fantastic comedy characters, which consisted mainly of third rate Walking Dead impressions. What a storm they went down.

Moving from that blatant lie to Zias, not for me this time. But I did get that White Album jigsaw for a present and Irie got Super Troopers and Crazy Eights. This Horrorfest thing, it's horrifying (pun intended) that I hadn't heard of it before. Will be checking that shit out. We tried to watch Crazy Eights later but once again I'd been slain by the Camberwell carrot, methinks.

There was a party planned but in a strategic play which will become clear later (it won't) we decided not to go. Instead, the lot of us smoked ourselves silly. I knew I was done when we left to get wraps - I waited in the car and Duran Duran's New Moon On Monday came on and I was sort of fine with that. I said "Aw that's it, no more". About an hour later we were home and come eleven, I admitted defeat.

In a bit.

SD

Rhythm Of The Rain

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19.12.13

Yes, Comrades

I rolled out of bed, rolled along the floor, out of my bedroom and onto the kitchen stool to eat a nice sausagey burrito. Following my further stuffing, I rolled into the shower, flopped and splashed around a bit then collapsed into the car, after more rolling. We were on our way to Ralph's house.

Ralph had turned 70 the day before and I swear to God if you'd told me I was going to meet Marlon Brando 70s era, I'd have believed you at this point. I really had to resist the urge to kiss his hand and offer him a favour involving the finest naughty salts from Peru. We left with an offer we couldn't refuse to Sheba's house. They smoked, I didn't, things were said, furniture was thrown, the fruit basket was tampered with...

Mystery Castle. A big homemade castle with dragons, knights, puppets, lots of pictures of cats, a rock shaped like a lion's head and other such oddities. The only real mystery is why it was built in the first place and why there weren't four teenagers and a Great Dane asking me where I got my counterfeit $20 bills. Actually, there may have been a sign saying "No mystery-investigating teenagers", I'm not sure.

Next was Zias, again. Poor Irie Nancy, she can't escape the place. She got Street Kings and Kick-Ass, I got a boxset with a guy that says "What?", plays with his tie and chortles a lot for the Nancy family, and Reflektor for myself. I've heard the first disc, it's a grower I think.

A quick stop home followed by a visit to Sheba's. I had a libation this time and we went to Tree's cousin's to top up. That stuff was an absolute sucker punch, I stood no chance against this mammoth ganja. With a banana milkshake in the fridge calling my name, we went home. I tried, I really tried, but at 11pm we gave up on The Hobbit and that was it, game over. We saw rain for my first time too. Different kind of rain from what I'm used to, was like a dribbling shower, the drops bounce off you. We'd kill for that kind of rain!

"Pitter patter, pitter patter"

In a bit.
SD

Man On The Moon

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18.12.13.

Yes, Comrades

Some company or other from back home rattled my folks' cages, which in turn caused me mobile to go off, and off, and off, which in turn woke me up earlier than needed be. I heard voices. They were saying something along the lines of "Kill them. Kill them all" "You shoosh". It was Nancy's brother, X. The whole family, which is him and the parents, minus Nancy, were in.

After knocking a few years off with my toothbrush and shaving away the bankrupt pug look, I waltzed into the living room. X and I took a drive around most banks in Phoenix before finally a Travelex took my limey money and gave me dollars. Then, Last Chance...it's what I imagine Boots looks like on Saturday mornings, filled with loads of frantic ladies, except instead of morning-after pills, they're going mad for cheap shoes (though $100 for D&G shoes sounds pretty standard to me). Next, Best Buy to torture myself with Region 1 crapola. They had a Law & Order boxset lasting over a hundred hours, I don't know when you're ever going to need that. Finally, ignoring all of my warnings, we took the car with the licence plate 'DATBOYX' to Zias, the big one.

First and foremost, they had a Ron Burgundy battle-ready action figure, he had a chair leg and everything. There was also a White Album cover jigsaw puzzle, a joke I didn't get until hours later. We left with series one of The Twilight Zone and a certain 99c comic.

Back at casa de Nancy, Ruby Sparks got stuck on. It were alright, whoever the main chick was in it looked like the great Emily if she'd fucked a strawberry (watch it, you'll (maybe) understand). After that fun stuff, we went and had us some bomb, which I'm told I smoked once last time. Totally believe that too - I was gone, on the moon, soaring through the cosmos whilst surrounded by marshmallow pies and looking glass eyes. On a side note, I'd love to try a marshmallow pie.

At home, despite having eaten a jumbo bag of Cheetos, a medium punch, most of a banana milkshake fit for the Gods themselves and some other stuff, we did the Mario. What? We had spaghetti, shut it! Then a cultural exchange: Blackadder for Human Giant. Pretty good.

"Here's a little agit for the never-believer"

In a bit.
SD

Where I Find My Heaven

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17.12.13

Yes, Comrades

Like a rock, thanks for asking. I got up before 6pm too which was just miraculous. So, my room. We're talking a double bed, a closet for me to hide in, drawers, a mirror, more drawers, Christmas mats, plugs...On a serious note, I'm one fucking lucky fucker. At that moment, the one where I left my bedroom smelling like Elton John's handkerchief cause I hadn't time to shower, we were off in Mrs Nancy's car to a destination you get no points for guessing.

Like a little lost lamb, I was dropped off at Mama Shebaaah's (get it cause lamb?). One by one, her family came through the door and I was reintroduced to them all over again. Tree's welcome was the funniest, because I knew what I'd wrote about her in the last entries, she knew, so what was said was "Hi" but I bet what she was thinking was "I heard what you said, bum burglar". Like she said, "Oh well!"

Wildcats had just started, so that's what I watched. God, if a rather unfortunate martian crash lands on Earth and asks "Ulla! What was ze 80s?" show it that movie. I liked it though. Next up was 42, a film about American footballers, namely the black ones. I wonder if in America people really do say "You wanted to see me, sir?" and 'sir' launches into some life-altering speech. Seems to happen in all these movies.

Next up was The Jeffersons. I wish I was part of a black American family in the 70s, looks a right giggle. After Prancer, which wasn't anything short of depressing, we went into Sheba's room to learn how bread is made, thanks to the Discovery Channel. So if you want to know how many baguettes the Polish produce in a week, I'm your man. An extended argument about sponges and loofahs sent us to Walmart on a sponge hunt and to be honest, that was it. I'm wrapping up because I ate too much today and must sleep.

"The blood flows through my heart and leaves like sand as I shave"

In a bit.
SD

Lights Out, Words Gone

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16.12.13.

Yes, Comrades

Funnily enough, I spent the last night in Blighty doing exactly the same as the last time - watching Hugh Laurie decide if it's Lupus and having alcoholic beverages. The whole uproar about our hero (me) leaving was more of a downroar this time around, which was no skin off my tit. 6am comes and the father took me to the airport.

Check-in was nice and painless. Soon as the coast is clear, smokarette. After practically pulling fluff out every hole in my body just in case it was metallic, I'm sat in the departure lounge, surrounded by empty seats. A siren of a lady, for whatever reason, singled out the seat right next to me and planked herself next to me. Hmmm. Then I get my seat by the window, and who's sat next to me? Yep. I seriously thought Mummy had hired a spy or something, cause one I could've accepted, but both things happening? Hum. She said something to me in American, I laughed in confusion and fell asleep for four hours.

At Newark, I'm suspected of terrorism again, naturally. In the security room, some guy politely asks "Excuse me, I'm about to miss my flight and - " "Yeah, so's everyone else in this room, now siddown!!" Jesus, haven't even searched our cases yet and we're Osama Bin Smugglin'. After some belittling, I got back to the departure lounge (after teaming up with a black man who also thought he'd lost his case) and played my 3DS. In this game you can even rub their bellies! Imagine, in a few years we'll be able to...you know what, never mind.

On this flight I was sat next to an Asian woman who didn't look Asian - the workload she was taking care of was the giveaway. Ok, so that's two races insulted, onto a passage from my book I think Don and Bunny Bongo will appreciate:

"He pulled his legs up against his stomach, staring at the closed closet doors. He didn't want to. His stomach hurt. A shooting pain in his lower belly.

Had to pee."

So that's a thing. Arrived in Arizona, greeted by Mama Sheba and Irie Nancy. We got my case and hit the road to Sheba Manor. I was given an agenda and a blunt. It hit hard. But I didn't lose my feet or try to French myself this time! We got home and I can't get a word out, so tired. I collapse in my bed. Bliss.

"The town has always turned these lies and made them all burn"

In a bit.
SD

Are You With Me Now?

"Letting my boredom reduce me to comparing Henry Hoovers on Amazon"

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Yes, Comrades

If a man walks into a restaurant, and asks for a pie, but instead receives a lobster hammer from the waiter, who is actually a creature composed entirely of tears and sneezes, a rift shall open up in the universe and show the man that the lobster hammer is, in fact, not a lobster hammer at all, but the eternal bleakness of eternity. You shall then see the harsh reality that you are in fact a solitary emu skating through the galaxy of toffee ice cream, and that the correct answer to this question is as follows:

"No thank you sir, for I wield the true lobster hammer! Bane to all pine cones for I am the world's first and only retrolentual pine cone slayer!"

Yes.

Yes. Yes indeed. But you shall soon find out that the galaxy is, in fact, not really a galaxy but a facade. You see the galaxy soon becomes a universe of doubtful cherry drops mixed with the taxes of a small nation. This nation produces the most delightful soup that you shall ever taste. But then you find out that it is not really soup, but a giant pool of honey. As you swim through this pool you gain the knowledge of the ages, but you forget why.

And the true answer to the question is as follows:

"No thank you sir, for I am the world's first and only retroactive typewriter machine! Good nooboo!"


Between writing stellar philosophy such as what you see above, letting my boredom reduce me to comparing Henry Hoovers on Amazon, waking up with texts that say "Vip cigs go to google and click vip cigs and order photon tank costs 40£ all together all the best mate stevie" and having no idea where they came from and rubbing shoulders with the stars like so...

...I've not been doing a whole lot. But that's all changing, droogs. I return to the land of the free in about 24 hours from you reading this. It'll be the exact same system as before, with one tiny tweak: I'm sticking that there song link at the top of the entry, as it was pointed out by people that people kept forgetting to listen to the song as they read the entry (or as I predicted, didn't bother listening at all. You bastard people). Makes sense. I've started with this entry, by the way. Anyway, I need to be getting on, that xbox isn't going to waste human life on its own! Hope you enjoy the journey to some extent.

Never forget.

Oh, one more thing.

I...I love you...

In a bit.
SD

"I have no reason to run - I see no reason"