Constant Surprises

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5.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

So there I was, at the Phoenix Stand Up Live club. This place is Comedy Central approved so I know to expect quality. It's open mic night, so the locals are just having a pop to see if their jokes might be worthy of having a DVD released full of them every November in time for Christmas. Turns out they're not. So, I decide to give it a go. I get up onto the stage, swagger over to the mic and pick it up. I scan my audience slowly and some cock shouts out "Tell us a joke!". I look slowly at him, my face morphs into a scowl, my lip curls up and in an exasperated manner I give him my reply: "No". The audience laughs. Pulling material from myself, but mainly Billy Connolly, Jack Dee and Stewart Lee (people I know Americans won't know), I deliver a glorious fifteen minute set.

Had you for a sec. Not one part of that is true, but if you believed it, I may well do it before I leave. Anyway, Mrs Nancy and I went to Safeway then Walgreens for wrapping paper and an action figure of The Governor. If there are any Walking Dead fans reading this, he is the best and you are wrong. I'm not joking.

We got home and I wrapped the presents. This took about thirty mins, which is shameful, but then, so am I, just in general. Eventually we left, with yours truly behind the wheel! That was quite a trip, I'll say that much. We got back and all of us sort of flitted around, waiting for X, Alecia and the kids, I don't think I've named them yet - Noa and Tatumn.

When they did arrive, we all had sloppy Joes - a hamburger roll filled with hamburger meat, sprouts and Kraft dinner. Then, Nancy blew out her candles and began unwrapping. X had got her an Andrea action figure, so she was made up, with her two least favourite characters and her Walking Dead socks. Fans of the show will also know why that's a frickin' cool present combo, especially when unplanned.

As we went from the smoke shop to Sheba's, we had a little chat about The Clash and why Rock The Casbah has the greatest music video of all time (see: armadillos). We may have picked up some bomb somewhere in between as well. We got back and guess what was on? Go on, guess. You'll never guess. Dumb and Dumber, at the Gigolo Aunts scene too. Shit has come full fucking circle.

Back home it was an early night with some Beverly Hills Ninja. Purer comedy.

"The higher forces want to connect"

In a bit.
SD

Planet New Year

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4.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

I would sooner donate my penis to the dinosaur section of the Natural History Museum than go shopping again. I would rather try to collect Cher's entire discography, I would rather try to touch MC Hammer.

So it's not great that I have to go shopping for Irie Nancy's birthday. Myself and 'mom' took a little drive, first to Chandler to not get the first present, then out of Chandler, then all the way back to Chandler Mall to get a photography book from Barnes & Noble, cause God knows the bitch needs to learn (this couldn't be further from the truth) and a Daryl Dixon figure bobble head that don't bobble...thing.

Having not quite given up on that original present, we popped into Fry's Electronics. The first thing I notice at each store is that the entire Powerpuff Girls collection is the hottest product this season, what the shit fucking cock? Regardless of this odd distraction, I nab In The Flesh and something else and leave. We beat Nancy home by ten minutes.

The poor mare only gets about five minutes to sit down before we're off again. We stop in at the usual spot, she tops up her battery, and the four of us including Sheba and Tree head to Five Guys.

This is a restaurant with the best fries ever, which X and family miss out on because they got the wrong address. Downtown Phoenix is very different from home, it's like a different planet, with its towering structures, dazzling lights and people whose jokes have the punch line "Biologically impossible". Five Guys was very enjoyable and next it was time to head to the Crescent Ballroom.

This was like a moon of this other planet, this place was even weirder. Flamenco dancers to the left of me, half-bald waitresses to the right, there I was, stuck in the middle with a honey badger. One of the more enjoyable cocktails I've savoured, I'll admit. We toasted Nancy's birthday with a blow job. She used her hands to drink it though. All this and I forgot my bleedin' camera...

When we got back, they spent some time brainfucking me, as is tradition. Tree shared her baby daddy blues, Sheba got lost in the Phoenix Suns Zone, which is very much like The Twilight Zone, and we went home to watch The Machinist. That shit's fucked up.

"It's a delightful curse, to have wasted so much time"

In a bit.

SD

Walk On The Wild Side

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3.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

A really good singer once famously sang that it is imperative that you get down on Friday, and that's generally exactly what I live to do. By this, I mean we spent some time pretty much counting how many shoes we had on.

Then it was to pick up Sheba and head for their work to pick up their cheques. Somewhat predictably, it was to the bank next. Then, to Wal Mart, ingredient shopping. You see, on this fateful night, I was to cook my signature (and probably only) dish, my not-so-famous puttanesca sauce. That's a whole other story. We got our stuff and after becoming one passenger short, went to Zias (it wasn't my idea this time!).

They had everything, except what I was after, again. I pick some popular shit to seek out, I'll tell you. Nancy got her Requiem For A Dream amongst other things so the outing wasn't a total loss.

At home, Cooking Mama a.k.a. me got to it. First off, I dropped the can of sauce into the boiling pot. Second, the pot began spitting at me because I'm not used to electric cookers. What a fucking mess that was. But hey, upon serving it, it genuinely went down a storm. Thanks Bongos!

But today is a special day, it's First Friday, where arty farty Arizonians congregate together on Roosevelt Row. We arrived at the art museum in time to catch the free trolley. It was taking ages so I used my magic wand that summons buses and that, and lit a cigarette. What do you know, it works. We walked past art stalls, exhibits of photos of men in drag, pencil drawings of trout, hot dog stands, record stores, all that game. I admit, my experience was short, but it was kind of interesting. If I had more time, I'd go again.

Since the art museum was free, after a literal minute's ride on the skyrail back, we had a gander. There were all these freaky deaky miniature rooms which said to me that the Italians were and are spoiled fucking brats. The paintings were all of St Sebastian, I don't know who that geezer is but in the compromising positions I saw him in, I feel like I do, better than anyone.

Taco Bell. Oh, Taco Bell. Product placement with Taco Bell. Our drive-in host Edgar was a prick, but I enjoyed my second taco of the day, this time it was supreme (which means 'with sour cream'). I also now know what Texmex means, so fuck the lot of ya.

"Shaved his legs and then he was a she"

In a bit.

SD

Thursday

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2.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

With pretzels in my bed and hate in my heart, my journey continued. I don't know how those things wormed under the covers with me, I'll skip the terrible puns though.

On the agenda for today was to find some love, some new friends and above all, serenity. So, after some careful deliberation, we, we being Nancy, Mrs Nancy and I, took the car to the Japanese Friendship Garden of Phoenix.

You, dear droogs, are probably well aware of how such an environment would make me feel by now. We were given food for the five hundred or so Koi fish. I just kept getting put in mind of that one Jo Koy comedian who haunted me the last time - the little fish were telling me that they did not own a bear and all sorts. There were lots of trees; a world-renowned restroom (no, really); bridges and ducks. Oh, and a tea house we weren't allowed in. Sons of a bitches. We left with less friends than we came in with and wondered if that warranted a refund.

After Irie Nancy's race against time to get high, which she failed, we went to meet up with X, Alecia and her mum at the Kobe Japanese steak house. I nearly tried tofu, had I not noticed it in my seawood soup, then I'd have had to retire and join the gay mafia. When one reaches the point in one's life when one can have swordfish, how does one say no? Jeremy Clarkson has eaten seal flipper with grated puffin on it, that lucky bastard. All of our food was cooked in front of us in an almost magic show-like way, I must admit that was very cool.

After this it was all pretty standard. What a very Japanese day! Any more Japan and I'd have been sat watching Naruto with Nancy San, we'd have had a son we would always be disappointed with and my penis would have shrunk to nanometres (see I know shit!).

I figured that little bit of extreme racism deserved its own paragraph. We then went to our usual evening hangout, where they delighted in confusing me to death all over again. Quote of the day came from Sal Sheba, aimed at me. "Hey, how's your juice box, buddy?! What you guys doin'? Just getting high, enjoying some Pretty Woman? Man, he's fuckin' lit!". My juice box, by the way, was a little mini apple juice carton I'd emptied but for some reason was still hanging on to.

Award winning

Found him

"Now that we've lost our way, the rest can all fall apart"

In a bit.

SD

Don't Look Back In Anger

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1.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

I'm sure we all started the New Year the same way: waking up at five in the morning inside a skip with our keys in our arses. Not our most flattering positions. Onwards!

My new year's resolution is pretty straightforward: 1024 x 768. Ha ha ha, I've only used that joke for about five fucking years. My resolutions are mostly straightforward - drink more, care less, stop wetting the bed and blaming it on the 'phantom pisser', keep tobacco workers in jobs, stop making people lose the game (sorry), stop falling prey to cougars and finally, shut down the movie industry before Robocop comes back and be home in time for a cup of tea and a biscuit.

So you got a sneaky preview of yesterday with the Life of Pi thing, you lucky bastards. Well, not a whole lot happened after that incident. Soon, the X family showed up, we wished each other all a happy new year and that was that. Just had to give Nancy an explanation on the phrase "I'm not a performing monkey". Just had to write that cause I know I'll have forgotten by tomorrow. More preview material.

Our grand adventure began at the smoke shop, which was closed. So, Circle K was the next stop. All of this for strawberry cigars to violate later, too. I'm getting bored of saying "Next, we went to Mama Sheba's" so next time I'll disguise that phrase, cunningly. I never cared much for Meet The Fockers before but I really did laugh - though I struggled to remember which parts happened in which movies, as far as structure goes they're pretty similar. No?

Nancy and I decided to go on a chocolate quest. We got everyone some Hershey's sundae pie from Burger King then another for me. As we got back, we were watching that one scene from White Men Can't Jump that sums women up perfectly. I too know how it feels to need to get water from Food City, I sympathise, I'm sorry.

Food City was closed though. Wal Mart netted water for home and pretzels and Funyuns, which are just super crunchy onion ring crisps. I'm told we went back and didn't go home til later but I guess that was uneventful.

Something made me laugh when I woke up this day. "You can't just cut a sentence in two and call it a meme" then a guy replies "Cuts sentence in two - calls it a meme". Anyway, we watched Everything Is Illuminated with that super-punchable Elijah Wood. I quite liked it.

"Take me to the place where you go, where nobody knows if it's night or day"

In a bit.

SD

Lose Yourself To Dance

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31.12.13.

Yes, Comrades

My head feels like someone's covering Caramelldansen in it and I imagine it will for the foreseeable future. You currently find me watching Life of Pi and apparently a good rule of thumb if you're stranded at sea is to keep your mind occupied by playing games "Like I Spy". Hmmm...something beginning with S. Ok, now what?

So I did me usual beginning of the day rituals, admire myself in the mirror, put too much butter on my toast, you know. When work was over for not me, we had some more of that Ching Chong Chinos. After this, we were on our way.

We arrived at Mama Sheba's where we all got into Tree's mum's car. She apologised for the state of her car unnecessarily, we had our Jack Daniel's (whisky selection here is shocking) and Malibu and made haste to Tree's mum's house.

The first thing I noticed was three chihuahuas circling me. They mostly gravitated towards Sue, the grandma of the house. Later, a big white retriever mongrel thing named Jimmy fell for me too, even followed me into the toilet at one point, which sure was an experience I won't forget any time soon.

A drunk Santa Claus almost hit me with an accidental flying headbutt, which was quite an introduction. As the jello shots were passed around, I met Tree's sister Tiffany and her boyfriend California fella. With caramel apple shots getting downed like water, more people arrived, such as an older couple I had an argument in French with after they kept getting me to repeat things they said in my accent.

It was crazy. The bathroom was full of wigs, the sinks weren't working, I had no idea what the shit I was eating and the evening culminated in a dance off between me and Tree to Lose Yourself To Dance. It was triffic, but the video has disappeared, which is both a shame and a travesty. Still, never mind eh?

We went home and drank some more. Pretty cool. So, a happy new year to all. And to all, a good night. A little thought for you before you go off into 2014...I managed to draw a pretty fucking good comparison between sex vs. masturbation and McDonalds vs. Burger King. "McDonalds is obviously better, that's a fact. But sometimes you just want those crinkle cut pickles"

Racial...so...

"Here, take my shirt and just go ahead and wipe up all the sweat, sweat, sweat!"

In a bit.

SD

Go Long

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30.12.13.

Yes, Comrades

So I was dragged out of the Wienerschnitzel championships with the Dachshund race, hotdog-eating contest and Mustard Lake and back to boring old reality. You see it's clever because apart from the Mustard Lake part, I made fuck all up about that.

After getting through the usual daily nonsense, I had me some trouble with Skype. You see, I've never been fully comfortable with that lark, and I'll tell you why. On one of my first uses of the damn thing, someone I didn't recognise added me. Thinking it could be anyone from Michelle Pfeiffer to Claudia Schiffer wanting to talk to me, I accepted. Within minutes, a deep, booming Turkish voice asked me to take my panties off and called me darling. This conversation ended with a confused call to Childline and a discussion on 'petit sports'.

Anyhoo, myself and Lady Saw eventually got our Skype chat underway. Don't sound like a whole lot's happening over yonder. The rest of the afternoon was spent watching this one movie which really confused me; Jodie Foster was doable?!

Eventually me and Irie were off to the Chinos (that's the Chinese to you and me). They even had a wee arcade cabinet which obviously meant we weren't leaving until I had saved all of humanity. I'm a guy who genuinely gets frustrated playing Frustration, so this made for messy business.

After eating, we made our usual stop at you-know-where before taking a trip to Thunderbird, where you-know-which-shop was. I had the least luck at this location. "Right, that's it, no more Zias for the rest of the year". Oh ho, oh me.

Back at the other house, they tried to teach me the ins and outs of basketball and college American football, and I tried to explain to them why they are all idiots. See, that's a joke, but I know for a fact they think I really do think them buffoons. I'd like to state that I don't, and since this is my journal, I think I will, so fuck you.

We went home and finished Super High Me. Ok, for a stand-up comedian, Doug Benson isn't very funny, this point we agreed on. I also didn't learn much by watching his experiment, so, appealing as the film may sound, I say skip it.

See!

"But you don't even own your own violence"

In a bit.

SD