AKA... Broken Arrow

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30.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

To compensate for yesterday, today was National Take The Michael Out Of Me Day, I hereby decree. Really, the claws were out and sharpened, fuckers were being proper vicious. But more importantly, we were all off to Sedona today.

The trip was short and relatively uneventful. Kept seeing signs for Broken Arrow and tours of it, all throughout and up to Sedona. Alternate name? We arrived in a very short time, got the hotel sorted and took a stroll down the main area. The environment was very much like the surface of Mars, but with a buncha dem cowpokes struttin' 'round.

Everyone smiled and said hello to you here, it was really quite disconcerting - I had to restrain myself from giving them the old one, two, poke in the eyes. We perused the shops one by one, looking at the weird and wonderful goods. I bought meself a sheriff badge, because I am sheriff Rick. Or Woody, either will do. There's a snake in my pants!

We got bianco, napoli and pepperoni pizzas from a newly-opened pizzeria. I would seriously say they were the best pizzas I've so far been lucky enough to sample. Our waitress was just the sweetest thing. So, I liked the town, and "That man is the nicest gentleman in town" was my feedback. We drove to Oak Creek. The route was stunning, all the trees, mountains, rivers etc. But Oak Creek itself was closed.

Apparently the Nancy family have the worst luck in the world. Well, I mean, yes, here I am, after all. On the way back, we spotted a weird terrace thing. We had a gander and I swear to fuck, you lot, it was exactly like the start of Dead Money, it was horrorshow just how similar the places were! There were toy shops, clay/bronze galleries, music box stores, all so...different.

Back at the hotel, Nancy, Sheba and I strayed from X and the others to get $6 burritos (yep) and some booze from C-Market. The town transformed into a ghost town in the dark - the streets were completely bare, caked in darkness and silence. We had a drink apiece and went to the hotel clubhouse. Here, those two sat in the game room while I paddled around in the pool with kids and Taiwanese folks in my boxers. Yes. Had no choice! Quick wind down in the sauna.

I've probably missed a shitload, but it was a crammed day. On Sedona: it's lovely, a real different place from Phoenix, but it really is a tourist trap. Shit, forgot when I gargled ghost pepper sauce. That wasn't good. Poor Sheba got a bit ill before bed, but we got her through it, somehow. Clock's winding down now.

Seriously Don Bongo, just look at this shit.

"Leave me in peace, I'm on the side of the angels"

In a bit.
SD 

Landslide

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29.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

You always feel a bit awkward on your birthday, like the guy that everyone knows has weak bowels and can't help it, it's not his fault, but he's just shat in the community pool. All attention is on him, but he'd prefer to just paddle out unnoticed.

But my wee steel ladders were removed, like one of those fucked up days on The Sims. You've done it, don't lie. I was greeted with handshakes, hugs and kisses and in what seemed like no time at all, we were at Red Lobster. X had very kindly came along too. First thing we were asked, "You guys celebrating anything?" Dammit. After very much enjoying Robert the lobster, or the Robster, the staff sang.

After cleaning up the blood, we went home. Every time I left the room, some more paraphernalia would appear, a card, a cupcake, a present, something. Just as I'm settling into the afternoon, the candles are lit and I'm making my wish to be slightly less brilliant, because life's complicated enough. The cake was delicious. Again, only a right twat would list all of their presents, but again, I was one spoiled little fucker. Except, they sang to me again.

We arrived at Mama Sheba's with no real goal in mind, just to hang, as Irie Nancy put it. I was sang to again. Even little Audrina gave me a pretty heartwarming rendition, then got back to what she was doing, impersonating Sylvester the cat. We sat around watching Looney Tunes for a bit, then Debbie made a proposal. At this, Nancy and I popped out. Before we did though, I bumped into Tree, who dropped the happy birthday bombshell. At this, Eddie, little Eddie, Christie, Isabelle, Christine and Tree all launched into song. Argh!

My present from the Sheba family was bomb, or should I say, Even Jamaicans Say 'Don't Smoke This Mon' Super Bomb. I hadn't felt so away with it since the first time I ever smoked the ganja, or 'space chocolate' as my mate Fly Boy called it. They sang to me again.

You get a free Grand Slam from Denny's on your birthday, so we went there. We got wired into it - I got scrambled eggs, sausages, hash browns, bacon and a jumbo pancake drenched in syrup, all for free. I mean, wow, fuck me. Best day of my life. I felt better now, so we stopped at Sheba's for one more. This turned out to be a good idea. They didn't sing.

It's a small mercy that on the day you're one step closer to death, everyone's so nice to you, as if to take your mind off it. Maybe that's why. Cake, ice cream, cartoons, K.O.

I DID get an action figure of this glorious bastard, though.

"Time makes you bolder, even children get older. I'm getting older too"

In a bit.

SD

We Used To Wait

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28.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

So, as you may have ascertained after uncovering the pattern, Nancy had the day off again. But Tuesday is Tuesday, movie day is movie day, and that, as they say, is fucking well that. We had to wait until we had a car available though, so it was over to the Kindle to kill some time. Guess The 90s. I was at a cultural disadvantage, being from overseas, but we made a pretty decent team. Has anyone heard of Hit Clips, Dragon Flyz, Muzzy, Sky Dancers or Orbitz? I mean, anywhere.

What? Oh right, the cliffhanger. Ok, so where did I leave off? Kendal, on crack, was sat in the front room with Debbie, Christie and her husband when Nancy and I came in. He said he didn't know how to text, so that was done for him. Turned out someone had shot at his cousin and he needed out of there tout suite. When things had settled, we went back to our usual room, I couldn't neglect Bubble Game With No Real Name any longer. When we left for the night, two copper cabs were blocking the road out. Soon enough we got through, and there Kendal was, sat in the back.

Satisfied? So, we arrived at this very same house and before we've even set foot in the door, I drop an N bomb in jest, only to be heard by a B man. We rushed in and got To Wong Foo stuck on. Patrick Swayze in drag, God help us all. I saw his lookalike in a pub once, I should like it to be known. He looked a bit like Stewart Lee if he let himself go too. Yes, the movie. It was pretty good, let's not lie. John Leguizamo stole it for me though, ok?

We were proper peckish, me ode, so we went home. We ate sopa, salad and some beef, after we'd gone to get it from a barbecue hut. Is that a thing? I think that's a thing. We played some more Guess The 90s and I must say, my greatest contribution was when I fucked off for ten, came back to find them stuck and stylishly solved it instantly: VESPA. Stand aside, Bond.

At Sheba's, it was the whole gang playing the game this time. On TV was something that was simply bound to become a favourite of mine: Bad Girls All Star Battle. This was a whole programme dedicated to self-obsessed bitches screwing each other over for money. "That strap really hurt my vagina. #Ouch." That's a direct quote. I sat there, simply fuming at what the world has become, watching ten ladies vomiting all over each other. So nice to see people doing their performance while still maintaining their dignity. We completed Guess The 90s then the Kindle died. That's how it's done.

Serious fucking business.

"Now our lives are changing fast, hope that something pure can last"

In a bit.

SD

Repeated Offender

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27.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

So, I'm not scared to go out in the sun anymore. The moon though? Still not a fan. Yeah, I watched that recently. As I stood in the steamy restroom, I heard an Australian accent coming from another room, and it weren't the Pepsi bottle kid. It was Kangaroo Dundee talking about winching wee kangaroos. His license plate is ROORESQ, which cracks me up. Anyway, Nancy had another day off. Is that trouble I can smell brewing? I think so.

Oh! The Grammys! Macca managed to keep his dignity - first time for everything I guess. Daft Punk, Nile Rodgers, Stevie Wonder and Pharrell did good with Get Lucky, but I can't help but feel the performance was a bit...patchy? Under rehearsed maybe? Still, good stuff. I'd make some joke about rescuing the worthy ones then bombing the Staples Center, it would catch so many cunts, but I'm scared Tom Daley will throw another hissy fit and I'll get arrested. And that's all I have to say, about that.

I wrote this, Nancy picked Sheba up from work, we went to get my not-so-secret birthday surprise, then off to Tempe beach park for a change. It's not quite the same without the hustle and bustle of mad Arizonians with ice boxes getting soaked, but that was to be expected. There were more wasps than you could shake a stick at, if you so desired.

A final stop at Fry's was in order, I guess. I got myself lost in the car park for a short while, but somehow we made it home in the end. Some yardbird, as I've been poisoned into calling it, then we had ourselves our fun by winding up poor little Tatumn. Poor little nothing, whatever the female equivalent of Damien, spawn of the fucking devil is, that's her. Bless her.

We had to actually come up with something to do this day, so we wound up at another park. The football pitch looked white under the floodlights, I didn't realise people played on sand when off the beach, was quite a thing to see. Basketball courts filled with players, a haunted-looking American football field, a still lit baseball field, there was a real sense of...I dunno, ambition in the air, would never see anything like it back home. Ever.

We were in a certain house without a certain Sheba. As we sat peacefully, learning about crazy women who stalk and murder Burger King workers and battling it out on Brain Games, there was a knock on the side door. "Who is it?" No answer. A gunshot. Debbie answers the front door. We soon follow through. Not like that. It's Kendal. He's out of prison twenty days. He has a gun. His lips are white. He's clearly on something. He wants a taxi. Now. To be continued.

"Not one of my kind of people, though that's part of our lives"

In a bit.

SD

Free My Name

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26.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

Once again, there was a little surprise on the couch for me. It was cheap, low quality and I suspect it was found roadside. That's right, Nancy got the day off again. I don't know what the shit's going on with her work, but what can you do? With a mild pain in my head thanks to being a rock star the night before, we settled down to watch Too Cute, a showcase of pug puppies and other things that make you go "Oh, look at that".

By about 3pm, we were all kittened out and headed in our usual direction. Right before this though, I was reintroduced to Brotha Lynch Hung. He spits bars about loving to cut pussies up with razorblades then fuck them since he was six. Cunt should be locked up. Now, apparently I've been to Metro Center before, but I don't remember. After picking Sheba up, that's the route we took, being forced to endure Toto's Hold The Line for about the fiftieth fucking time.

Wasn't a lot worth reporting at the place itself, even me companions would attest to that. I sampled a blue raspberry Airhead, which blew me away. When we realised just how little there was to enjoy, we stood outside, staring at the cinema, none of us willing to make a concrete decision on what to go see, if anything. Women, I'll tell you.

On the way out, we also debated what we were going to eat. Lolo's was closed, so no chicken and waffles with an ice cream scoop-sized of butter on top for us. Instead it was to the Hibachi grill nearby, which turned out to be more or less just a Chinese buffet. I decided tonight was the night - I would eat octopus and oyster. Octopus I didn't like so much, too chewy, but the oyster/mollusk thing was enjoyable. These marshmallows we had too, even our waitress had no idea what it was, even going so far as to guess it was a marshmallow and sour cream dessert. I mean, come on, look at your game, girl. Amazing food.

The rest of our night was generally uneventful. We weren't at home #3 for very long, we had an early bed ahead. The car ride home was just a blast - it consisted of me repeating "Pepsi bottle. A Coca Cola glass. I don't give a damn" and "No no the Canadian government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions" over and over again. That was uneventful.

We watched our usual nonsense at home and it was an early bed indeed. Just to finish up, I don't think I've been called by my real name in weeks. It can be Allan, Leo, Scotty, Mona Lisa, it depends on the day. Just 'Guy' would do me fine.

I guess this is what a warm plate of shut the Hell up would look like.

"Tie my laces and chain me sound below"

In a bit.

SD

Bohemian Rhapsody

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25.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

You know what I'm sick of? Everyone being my boyfriend and girlfriend. If it's not The Governor from The Walking Dead (though admittedly I just capitalised his name) it's Pan from Dragonball fucking GT, and if it's not her I'm shagging Anthony Hopkins, of course, when he's not available, Emily Browning's getting it. Christ, I wish. But aye, I'm not allowed to like anyone or they're my new partner, apparently. Poor Emily.

Irie Nancy was at work for all of thirty minutes today, business must be quiet. Wait. I already knew that when she told me they fly a remote control shark balloon around the office. We made the most of this golden opportunity by sitting around not really doing a bunch. Then became time to visit Snappy's, which sounded like a right giggle.

Snappy's, as it turned out, is a car wash, doo doo, doo doo. If I had a manager, this is where I'd say "I can't work with this". Oh, that reminds me. I made a joke before about doing stand up...I'm considering doing it for real, based on advice. Yes, that was a joke in itself. Or was it? Even I'm not sure this time, comrades.

Why do people visit libraries to sit on YouTube, what's the fucking point? Pisses me off. So we were there, that happened. At home, we spent a fair whack of time getting dolled up like we were going to meet Emily Browning or somet -- fuck!

Sooner than we knew, we'd been to Sheba's, then to Tree's cousin's, back to Sheba's and we were on our way to Westdale, a very, very American bar. It was Vern, Tree's mum's birthday and we were having a spiffing karaoke night to celebrate. All the old faces were there including California Guy, Tiffany, Sue, Jack Daniels, Santa Claus, the accent-loving couple. Sheba's dad Ed even came along, which is always good.

It was a slow start, but there was always someone singing and soon enough, it was my turn. They really didn't know what I got with my little Deuce Coupe. The beer flowed and Sue gave me a go on her Jack and honey, which is a beautiful thing. You can imagine where this lead, I'm sure. If anyone from there is reading this, I'm so sorry for what I did to Don't Dream It's Over, I should be on the sex offenders register for that. Turns out Ed, Sheba and Tree are all fantastic singers and entertainers. I dueted/ruined Hey Jude with Ed and we left.

And I'm amazed I even made it to bed last night.

"Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me"

In a bit.
SD

Time Of The Season

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24.1.14.

Yes, Comrades

Having had one too many lager and shandies, it was a bit of a late rise on this day. We had no Alka Seltzer, so this poor soldier was forced to man it out. A bacon roll, a bottle of Lucozade and a spot of Soccer FM wouldn't have went unwelcomed either. That's a lie, my balls have still to drop innit.

With no real agenda or plan, we figured the best idea was to pick a mall at random and see if any shops had just materialised since last time. We ended up at Chandler Mall. The first thing that struck me as off with Barnes & Noble that I hadn't noticed before was that the kid's books had a gardening section bang smack in the middle of them. Slave labour is a hobby of mine, B & N, but keep it on the down low eh?

You could arse about with the dogs in the adoption centre, which also had a particularly diva-esque cat. Trouble was, there was an outing for the special needs group going on, which we felt we were kind of gatecrashing, so we left. We went to the classiest chocolate shop I've ever fucking seen, got a couple, visited Spencer's, Disney, other places, left.

With some time to kill, we were already in Chandler so we stopped by Zias, our old friend. I got Licensed To Ill for Mama Sheba (the reggae names seem to be finally catching on by the way) and since I'd mentioned to Nancy (that one, not so much) in passing that The Zombies' Odessey And Oracle might just be the best album ever, that became an early birthday present. She gave her sister Truck (if you've been paying attention, you can work her name out) a call, who said we should definitely chillax together. Halfway to her house and she bails. Bloody Truck.

After popping home, we were chauffeured to Denny's. This was very similar to Carrow's, except no surf and turf and it had a resident nutter sat near us, sipping his coffee and chatting away to himself, probably about how Uncle Dave stole his Cindys as a kid, and for that he must meet the great red dragon. I had me some Alaskan salmon soaked in garlic and herbs and just about decked it, it was that good.

To top off our night, as ever I'm not sure what we watched at #3, but I'm pretty sure it was Night At The Roxbury, which had a rather sensational ending. At home, it was Saving Silverman that got watched. I mean, it was ok, not my favourite so far. If you get a rainy day and there's nout but Jeremy Kyle on, go for it.

"Where'd you get this, the charity shop? Bleurgh!"

Related.

Still my all-time favourite.

"In this time, give it to me easy and let me try with pleasured hands"

In a bit.

SD