Monday, 7 May 2012

Les Etoiles

"Ladies and Germans, for a small fee, you can purchase the secret of invisibility on eBay"

Yes, Comrades

It's been a while eh? Lots to tell I'm sure, so let's go back to the weekend. The Jazz Wagon went on another magical mystery tour around the country, think she did a grand total of 150 miles or thereabouts in search of what quickly proved to be a close rival to the lost treasure of Sierra fooking Madré. We cut our losses, grabbed a trifle, a can of cream and headed up the road. Aside from getting lost (confirmed by a "Wait, this doesn't look good. Aw naw...") and driving up closed roads, the journey home went without hitch. I got said treasure later that night on eBay. It's amazing what trinkets you can buy on there. Without one word of a lie, here are just some of the things you could be the proud owner of if you shop around on eBay: a Nickelback shot glass; chocolate flavoured nipple spread; an American raccoon penis bone (fiver including postage if I remember right); used breast implants; 1960s Playboy magazines (nothing like 50 year old used porn, yes?); the biggest DVD boxset on Earth (Prisoner Cell Block H complete collection. 174 discs with 692 episodes. Each episode of that piece of piss programme is 50 mins long. That's 576 hours of Australian lesbian viewing. Holy fucking shit balls? You'd need the fucking thing on a pallet, at least! One episode a week and you'd be through it in 13 years) and, I swear on my dog's grave that I saw this, this is the pièce de résistance. Ladies and Germans, for a small fee, you can purchase the secret of invisibility on eBay. I took a little picture to prove it, if only to myself!!!

Elsewhere on the page was stressed "FOR MORAL PURPOSES ONLY"
This is all well and good of course, but one question stands out to me, dear droogs: if the secret of invisibility is to be transferred to me digitally, why can't I get it off the fucking Pirate Bay?????

In me spare time I've been songwriting, you'll be pleased to hear. I've wrote a few songs - all of which have been written solely to help me break the charts. As such, they're tailored to meet the needs of the current generation that follow and like the pop music charts. I do hope you enjoy them...

Sexy Babes (S. Dread)

I work out in the gym to make my muscles huge
Cause it attracts vaginas and massive titty boobs
I'm going to shag loads of girls tonight because they need a real man
Actually, wait a second lads, I need to wax my chest, do my hair and put on some fake tan

All the sexy babes want a piece of me
I bring the citrus to their biscuit and the sugar to their tea
Cause I'm sweeter than chocolate, you know I'm softer than sponge
So let me dip my biscuit baby, we about to have fun

Hey there sexy babes!
Do ya like Jaffa Cakes?
You don't like Jaffa Cakes?
Then go fuck yourselves, sexy babes!

Fuck yourselves sexy babes (sexy babes!)
Fuck yourselves sexy babes (sexy babes!)
Fuck yourselves sexy babes (sexy babes!)
Fuck yourselves sexy bay bay bay babes (sexy babes!)

Totes Awks FML (Totally Awkward Fuck My Life) (S. Dread)

A teenage mother sitting on a bench beside me
She's lifting up her top, please stop, she's breastfeeding her baby
Should I look? Should I stare?
Should I complain? Do I care?
Instead I ask her for a taste
Cause there's a tit that's going to waste

Her boyfriend's looking at me
And he's looking kind of angry
This is totes awks FML

A couple walking by
Are covering their children's eyes
Totes awks FML

Less messy, yes I could have been
As milk is dripping down my chin
Totes awks FML

My wife is running through the grass
Towards me. She will kick my ass
Totes awks FML

And now it's time for Sergeant Dread's Monthly Mantras! For those that missed it last time, it's a list of songs that summed up the past month best. With links for your ignoring pleasure.

April 2012
1. The Style Council - The Whole Point Of No Return
2. Omar Rodriguez Lopez - Coma Pony
3. The Kinks - Down All The Days (To 1992)
4. Feeder - Come Back Around
5. Melody Gardot - Les Etoiles

In a bit.


The following is an excerpt from my Australia Journal 2008-09. The end's in sight, of my life after I finish cringing over the following

Monday 29th December 2008

Well well, what to write. I woke, dealt with Bebo nonsense, shoved on Catch Flame and well...sat. Explored Mark's music collection with the help of a six pack of beer and a pencil, in case inspiration struck, which it did, luckily. Plenty of songs got perfected and two got a welcome to Kid's world. Come 9 o clock, the thunder storm had passed and we headed to Palmer Drive. After a heated meal and a heated argument between me and Inspector Clouseau (the father) we headed home armed with more beer and more Weller masterpieces. I'll convert Mark yet, you watch. It's beach time once more tomorrow, and booze shopping for the 31st. I'll avoid granny's perfume.
"My father couldn't stand on two feet as he lectured about morality"

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