Monday, 30 December 2013

Voodoo Child


Yes, Comrades

When Irie Nancy got out of work today, I struggled to make my day up to that point sound interesting. So I'm going to do you a real favour and change it a bit. Let's go back...way back...

As a nipper, when I was still kickin' it to R.E.M. and The Commitments (not like there's anything wrong with that!), the in thing was to have a vagina. Little Natalie had one, little Carly had one and little Johnny had one. Little Johnny had just found out about his vagina, or at least what such a thing was. So, he asked little Dread if he had one. God forbid little Dread look uncool - of course he had a vagina! Who do you think he was, some uncool guy? A little confused but safe in the knowledge that a vagina had to be some kind of Tamagotchi or Cyber Pet, little Dread goes home first chance he gets. He heartwarmingly explains to his parents that everyone else has a vagina, and he really wants one, so please get him one of his own, parents. Little Johnny has since gone on to join the Royal Air Force - little Dread has since gone on to write diaries for the internet.

First off, we came home so I could laugh at Nancy's childhood poem about Heaven. Seriously though, she made Heaven sound mega. We then went to the Sheba household to sing the birthday chorus to Grand Daddy Sheba. His name is Eddy. The pineapple upside-down (or is that upside-down pineapple?) cake was great.

We then decided to put this bastard Zia business to bed once and for all. We went to Camelback. For those who don't remember, I said last time that Zia shops would not have something, then you'd go back whenever, that same day even, and they'd have it. They're pulling the opposite Houdini shite now! So I give up my quest for that certain DVD, for now.

We went back and Alecia pulled up behind us. An American football game was on, but fuck all that caper innit? A foot barely connects with a ball at all in their version of the glorious game, even they admit that. I've started getting hugged by everyone as they leave too, before I've even time to ask who the bollocks they are.

We went home and watched some Super High Me. There now follows a break in transmission.

"I didn't mean to take up all your sweet time - I'll give it right back to ya one of these days"

In a bit.



Yes, Comrades

I always have loads of super ideas to write in here, then they go away. That's the tragedy. Anyway, another day off for Irie Nancy, which the poor old horse spent sleeping. I spent this time researching if I'm rubbing 'their' bellies correctly - turns out I am the master belly rubber, stand back!

Eventually the old man woke up and we sort of looked lost for a bit, with no idea what mischief to get up to. One of my gifts, I can admit, was a Zias gift card, which needed to be spent. We went to Tempe first, which had lots of odd books and Smallville DVD sets. Yabby Bassey, it seems no one likes that show after all, eh?

I love Jennifer Lawrence. She is great. As soon as I heard her talking about herself in The Hunger Games, saying "No one wants to see that idiot swinging from trees" I thought "I'd like that lady, I shall ask for her for Christmas". Jaden Smith, on the other hand..."How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren't real?" Well, yes, quite. "Jonah Hill is a genius". Just, fuck off, ok Jaden? Stop speaking to me.

Had to get that out of my system. The old beast and I (I'm referencing Monty Python when I call her those things in an ingenius callback to an entry I wrote a year and a half ago) found a new Zias which was cool and all, but it wasn't my Camelback.

We next pulled up at Alecia and X's house, where Alecia's Mum's birthday was being held and celebrated by watching a UFC fight...and making a fuck ton of racket. Seriously, everyone had warned me that Alecia's family were loud, but fuck me. Ocean's fucking Seven was less noisy! You adapt to that stuff quicker than you'd think - yes, even me.

There were three occasions of freak luck on this day. The first was that a banana milkshake was launched across the car and didn't spill. The second was when my girl Miesha Tate, who I decided was my girl just because, lost to Ronda Rousey. $10 down to Irie Nancy. Now, I've taken a few hits from women in my time, I should know which bitch was going to come out on top. Lastly, Anderson Silva broke his shin during his fight with Chris Weidman (more like, Wideman, am I right?). $20 down to Sal Sheba. Don't gamble, kids. I'm off for a cry, a Pot Noodle and a wank.

"Watch your money go round, as you fall from grace and hit the ground"

In a bit.

Saturday, 28 December 2013

What A Wonderful Man


Yes, Comrades

What a head I had. Amazing what can be done with so little beer...I walked around with a head heavier than Rick Waller's bag of potato chips and a stomach with as much going on in it as Marc Almond's (or any of the other spunk-bellied celebrities). But God put Alka-seltzer on this Earth for a reason. I accidentally used warm water so it was horrible, but never mind.

Once the make-up was on, we made haste to Sheba's. She had done her hair up so looked nothing like anyone I knew. So, I shot the stranger getting into our car. Oops. We went to Tree's cousin's so those two could get their gear. We went back and because I knew what was coming next, I had none.

Some Mexicans blew the tires up for us and we were on our way to the drive-in to see the man, the myth, the legend, Mr Ron Burgundy, the man whose quotes are stolen by fat idiots on dating sites across the globe. Yes, comrades, it was Anchorman 2. I'm sure this will come as no surprise, but the first one is better. That being said, I have seen some shitty sequels in my life - Cheetahmen 2, Jack Frost 2, Buttman and Throbbin Meet the Poker 5, why were these made?! - and Anchorman 2 is not one of them. I enjoyed it much more than expected, though the Brick parts were just bizarre.

After getting gas, we returned to my home away from home away from home to have a smoke. Nancy and I got our faces swapped in a phone app and I came out looking like the Mona fucking Lisa. If I go viral, I'm very sorry. It was jolly funny though.

And I'm spent. We tried to watch Super Troopers, which really made me laugh, but I gave up and was very pleased to get back to la-la land after a baloney sandwich. I would kill all of you, dear readers, for another baloney sandwich.


"Big devil told us to sing along and like a loving flock we obey"

In a bit.



Yes, Comrades

We all had a well-deserved lie in, which was good because I was having an absolutely scrummy dream about ponies. Such fantasies had to wait, however, as before me feet had touched the ground, I was being wheeled around the houses.

First off, I met Irie Nancy's old babysitter. I don't know how many people would get not only their babysitter, but their babysitter's daughter a present, but there you are. They were nice. Next to a house we didn't get down (out the car) at. Then, to cousin Abel's house. I'd met him and his kids (like Isaac) already, but all the same, it was nice to see them again. Like a lot of people here, seeing his eyes was a new experience, without the shades on. I forgot to bring mine, my Ray Bans. Bet you haven't got a pair.

Last up I met one of several thousand Tonys in the Nancy family. The mother apparently collects spoons from around the world. I think our spoon would have a Lacoste logo and a Stanley Knife sticking out of it. For whatever reason I've been reminded of that one video I made years ago about Captain Jack Squirrel - there is a website out there dedicated to squirrel videos. Go figure. The videos work well with rave music too.

Soon we had been home, eaten steak sandwiches, picked up Mama Sheba and Tree and had arrived at X and Alecia's house. Alecia gave us her rice, salsa and tacos which were the business. X and I enjoyed some Stella whilst the others were on the Malibu and orange. Jonathan Ross would be proud, ladies, that shandy-pants bastard.

I'm at this moment watching an ad for Bacon Bowls, with 'baconriffic' ideas. Seriously, check that shit out, this country has some of the greatest minds of our generation.

I like Breaking Bad. I only watched the fifteen minute pilot but my God it was fucking cool. Some specky twat blowing up a caravan. It's the Breaking Bad of TV shows really, Breaking Bad. We also watched Death Becomes Her, by which time the golden seal had been broken. I feel like a genius because now I know who Goldie Hawn is, thanks to Wildcats. You see how it all links up? I'm great.

We then went home to continue our bender. I can't remember specifics, but we discussed some pretty heavy shit, like Dragonball Z. It was crazy, with me and the Archbishop of Banterbury.

"My mind's gone loose inside its shell"

In a bit.

Thursday, 26 December 2013



Yes, Comrades

That day, again. We had two hours til departure to the family gathering. This was spent partaking in the usual festive panic about forgetting shit. Within about ten minutes of leaving, we were at Uncle Tony's house.

Within minutes I'm bombarded by adults and children alike whom I don't recognise. I really don't know what to make of the hugs, kisses, laughing, cheering, clapping and general happiness that's being exchanged. A boy named Isaac took a real interest in me and my homeland to the point of practically asking if he could do a documentary on me. I mean, how would you react? I felt like the King of Arizona.

With Star Wars sweeties in hand, pork, turkey, spinach, potatoes, salad, cheesecake, eggnog, Cola, spinach salad, potato salad and other stuff was consumed. "Don't sit me too near the fire". Is what I would've said if anyone in Arizona owned such a thing. Presents were given to the twenty or so kids whilst we tried to just get to the back door to get some recovery time.

We were there four hours total before we were back home, swapping outlandish music. This portion of the day was mostly spent relaxing. Between cigarettes, X, Alecia and the kids arrived. I don't know what it is, but I still don't know why people, age regardless, think torturing me will be a fun thing to do. All night was a faux magic show from the kids as we all exchanged our gifts. I was Uncle Dread for the night...that's what they (kinda) called me.

I won't be a dick and list my presents but I was very happy. I was dressed in the full Arizona gear by the end of the night and chugging Stella. It's impossible not to get caught up in it in some capacity.

But what kind of day would this be if it didn't end with a visit to Sheba's? Well, that's ok, cause that's what happened. We brought cheesecake over, just chatted about the day and were gone in about an hour.

Finally, we capped off with more music and I finished my Stella. God bless us, every one. Not you. Or you. You, yeah, you. Not you. You lot, I like you.

Merry Christmas

"Did you ever see the faces of the children? They get so excited"

In a bit.



Yes, Comrades

Woke up. Good, I remember that much at least. After loitering around, we went to a place, Mrs Nancy and me, a place I have now forgotten because the day has been one long blur. Then it was just another day until 5pm, when Trouble herself got picked up. Oh, I had a bean tamale and made twenty kids Christmas bags also.

Almost as soon as we'd arrived, we were off like whirling dervishes to Wal mart (I'm told I'm a fud and it's two words) to get socks, gift sets, a pillow and Flipz. Me and McKayla Maroney just chillin' with that last item. Then home to start Christmas stuff. I tell you, the amount of love I saw this day, was just like watching Stuart Little, this stuff can't be genuine, can it? Ah, you're a rotter, Mr Grinch.

It is genuine, just for the record. Back out again to Zias, at Nancy's insistence. She's all worried her present is going to be about as punk rock as Avril Lavigne and The Goo Goo Dolls, so she insists on spoiling me with another. I'm not writing what I asked for because you cunts will laugh at me. We also got Beatles Monopoly (they can release that now since Michael Jackson retired as champion) for the Shebas.

Next to Safeway to get Tree some Christmas cheese and a banana cream pie, also for the Shebas. Sounds like a Kindergarten Cop drug operation, dunnit? Popped home again to wrap. It wasn't no trap. Once this was done, we went on the run. With presents in the back, luck we did not lack. We took a drive to Mama's, and were sure to not hit any llamas. Word.

There were about twenty people in there and of course I was the only gringo. I learned that word from playing Xbox, which proves that games do in fact teach us useful skills to get us through in life. It was like staring into a hurricane of love and feeling the uncontrollable Christmassy urge to jump into it. Maybe the calmest place would be in its eye, the eye of love?

Nah. We all had a cool half hour though - they liked their presents, the new people were good fun, it was all very quaint. Turns out there was an undercurrent of tension in the air. But hey, Tree's reaction to her cheese cut right through it - "I'm gonna call my Mom!" Mama Sheba loved her Suns blanket too.

In what felt like no time at all, we were home again, Hat. Cheesecake-making, gift wrapping banter. P.S. I also got a fucking nice guitar bracelet.

"Tender is the night, lying by your side"

In a bit.

Catus Carnival


Yes, Comrades

First off, mad props to Mikhail Kalashnikov and Addison Cresswell for the work they do. I mean, what kind of world would we live in if it didn't have AK-47s and Michael McIntyre? Consider that. What's that, you say? Dead? Oh. Yeah, rest in peace lads.

So, after waking up and pulling myself together after these horrible losses, myself and Mrs Nancy took a drive to some shop for rugs. Cats. Cats everywhere. On cushions, rugs, pillows, bedsheets, the floor, just fucking cats. Some girl with a face like a spanked arse, a spanked monkey's arse, even, got on my tits with her face.

Next thing I know I'm doing the family shopping at Target and Fry's. I've got Target and the fabric store out of order, mah bad. I'm sure we got some funny looks, particularly when I was incredulous that once again, at Target, the Christmas aisle was chock-a with cat imagery. Country's fucking weird. The occasional pug too.

At home again, with the weird types of squash, e.g. spaghetti, that America has on my mind, I watched the first two episodes of The Twilight Zone. Not just saying this because I'm me, but watch it if you get the chance. Eventually Nancy herself was picked up from work and I was stuffed with burritos of all shapes and sizes and fried chicken. Christ, roll on Christmas dinner.

I then did my Terminator ritual. I crouch in the shower in the 'naked Terminator' pose. With eyes closed, I crouch for a minute and visualise either Arnie or the guy from the second movie. I then start to hum the Terminator 2 theme. Slowly, I rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me get through my day. The only problem is the shower curtain sometimes sticks to my Terminator leg. It sort of ruins the fantasy.

So, anyway, Nancy and I sprinted from store to store because even as I write this she had Christmas shopping to do. At CVS to get photos printed, what do I see? Yep. Cats! Goddamn cats! A gift set and a gift card were bought.

At Sheba's, it was just us two and Debbie this time. Felt surreal. We learned about the Seneca Guns and how aliens use the sonic booms to power their spaceships. That's a direct quote as well. These people man, these fucking people...I mean people who believe this shit. Crazy Eights was finished at home. 4/10. Good visuals, good music, patchy story, not enough weasel-faced fucker.

In a bit.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Ça Plane Pour Moi


Yes, Comrades

First, an epilogue from the night before. Raoul posted a picture of Adriana passed out on the kitchen floor later that night; Irie Nancy and Mama Sheba had a miserable next day at work; Tree lost her phone then got it back after the finder of said phone gave up on cracking it; the Four Little Mexicans did their thing; White Guy stayed white and I slept in a bit.

Good, we're caught up. Was quite an uneventful day, really. After sitting about until 5, we remembered we had to pick Nancy up from work. There was serious fucking shit going down on my 3DS so everyone had to wait until that was resolved before we went to Arizona Mills to get X his Xmas shoes. The shop had some snazzy shoes, I must admit. I must remember to look into Creative Recreation shoes because they are good. That was alright, maybe now they'll send me some free stuff.

First Maccy Dees since I got here. I was promised an Xbox One sticker thing that I could've won an Xbox One with and I'm going to get my Xbox One sticker thing! Maybe. Someday. We drove away and I said "Christmas is cancelled".

Back to our usual hangout. I've a job trying to stretch this out, I must say. We met Sheba's friend, in inverted commas. Apparently he talks a lot but he seemed fine by me. We took our usual trip into the esoteric and to a dealer, and I'm sorry but that's about it. At home we got to see the first half or so of Crazy Eights. It's independent, by the way. I'm not one of those indie shitheads who will say because it's independent it's good, but it has that weasel-faced fucker you'd just love to belt from Red Dragon and yeah, it's alright so far. Hasta luego.

"J'ai du dormir dans la goutière, ou j'ai eu un flash en quatre couleurs"

In a bit.

Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss


Yes, Comrades

I wanna play a game. You have spent your whole life being a person...and doing...things. Today you will wake in a house that's not yours and have kinda no way out to have a smoke. The keys are here, but it will take a text to find out where they are. Live or die.

That sucked. Then the senior Nancys got back, we watched some of that film with bats where Christian Bale has marbles in his mouth then Mr Nancy and I went shopping, where I was totally blindsided as he got me shoes for Christmas. As would be expected, I had no idea what to say when this happened. We then went home to finish watching Tom Hardy punch concrete pillars apart and rub bellies (not each others'! Jesus!).

When Irie herself got back, we went to Pete's, which is basically a chippy. I got me square cod, breaded shrimp and chips, with The Journey's Midnight Train soundtracking the drive back. The food was good in the hood and nah I can't be bothered.

We went from Sheba's to her brother Raoul's. There, Ted was on. I like me some Mila Kunis but fuck, I needed out of there. Adding some Casa Rossa and a slammer to the beer in my belly, we headed to Ocean's Seven for Adriana(Raul's missus)'s birthday, after picking up her friends. That's eight of us in one car, and only one of us isn't Mexican. There are so many jokes I could make here but more importantly...

The club was bouncing, quite literally. We were packed into a tiny private area as more of Adriana's friends turned up and we started on the vodka. Adriana's chums...I think would be best described as such: Adriana is Snow White and she has her four little Mexicans: Grumpy, cause she don't smile much; Red, cause she has red hair; Cool, cause anyone who actually knows the guys on the door and so gets in without ID is pretty fucking cool, and Cher, because she looks like Cher. They seemed like nice girls all the same. There was also a guy as white as me there! Lawd it's a miracle!

You know how when Bugs Bunny is in his hole or house and a giant walks past and he bounces around the room? This club genuinely made you bounce even when outside, I can still feel the bass. A guy who looked and behaved exactly like Kip from Napoleon Dynamite and was on his own was there. He was bloody fascinating to watch. Poor Tree had to dance him off. We left and went home, bog standard ending.

"Just jot me down on your to-do list under 'put out like a fire'"

In a bit.

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Phoner To Arizona


Yes, Comrades

Following my complete bodily shutdown, I was up relatively early. We had the gaff all to ourselves, an opportunity we chose to invest in listening to Zappa, ZZ Top et al on the Classic Rock channel whilst I did the whole collecting badges and catchin' em all thing. Around one, we made haste to Sheba's, then to their work to pick up their pay.

Someone told me once to use the opening "Further to this" as it makes you sound smart. So, further to this, we stopped at the bank then off to Walmart for Christmas shopping. That's my favourite thing of all to do, by the way. I especially like it when you're bursting for a piss and the restroom's closed, for the whole time. Brilliant. All this while people who don't realise you're not at home keep trying to ring you, the knobheads. But when you leave with Cheetos, Sweetarts and grape juice, the piss stains pay for themselves. I'm joking.

Arizona Mills was next. We got separated at the Disney shop (don't ask) but eventually all got out in Dropping the shopping at the respective houses (God I feel so intelligent with those words), we had a nice fried chicken dinner at home. This included my fantastic comedy characters, which consisted mainly of third rate Walking Dead impressions. What a storm they went down.

Moving from that blatant lie to Zias, not for me this time. But I did get that White Album jigsaw for a present and Irie got Super Troopers and Crazy Eights. This Horrorfest thing, it's horrifying (pun intended) that I hadn't heard of it before. Will be checking that shit out. We tried to watch Crazy Eights later but once again I'd been slain by the Camberwell carrot, methinks.

There was a party planned but in a strategic play which will become clear later (it won't) we decided not to go. Instead, the lot of us smoked ourselves silly. I knew I was done when we left to get wraps - I waited in the car and Duran Duran's New Moon On Monday came on and I was sort of fine with that. I said "Aw that's it, no more". About an hour later we were home and come eleven, I admitted defeat.

In a bit.

Rhythm Of The Rain


Yes, Comrades

I rolled out of bed, rolled along the floor, out of my bedroom and onto the kitchen stool to eat a nice sausagey burrito. Following my further stuffing, I rolled into the shower, flopped and splashed around a bit then collapsed into the car, after more rolling. We were on our way to Ralph's house.

Ralph had turned 70 the day before and I swear to God if you'd told me I was going to meet Marlon Brando 70s era, I'd have believed you at this point. I really had to resist the urge to kiss his hand and offer him a favour involving the finest naughty salts from Peru. We left with an offer we couldn't refuse to Sheba's house. They smoked, I didn't, things were said, furniture was thrown, the fruit basket was tampered with...

Mystery Castle. A big homemade castle with dragons, knights, puppets, lots of pictures of cats, a rock shaped like a lion's head and other such oddities. The only real mystery is why it was built in the first place and why there weren't four teenagers and a Great Dane asking me where I got my counterfeit $20 bills. Actually, there may have been a sign saying "No mystery-investigating teenagers", I'm not sure.

Next was Zias, again. Poor Irie Nancy, she can't escape the place. She got Street Kings and Kick-Ass, I got a boxset with a guy that says "What?", plays with his tie and chortles a lot for the Nancy family, and Reflektor for myself. I've heard the first disc, it's a grower I think.

A quick stop home followed by a visit to Sheba's. I had a libation this time and we went to Tree's cousin's to top up. That stuff was an absolute sucker punch, I stood no chance against this mammoth ganja. With a banana milkshake in the fridge calling my name, we went home. I tried, I really tried, but at 11pm we gave up on The Hobbit and that was it, game over. We saw rain for my first time too. Different kind of rain from what I'm used to, was like a dribbling shower, the drops bounce off you. We'd kill for that kind of rain!

"Pitter patter, pitter patter"

In a bit.

Friday, 20 December 2013

Man On The Moon


Yes, Comrades

Some company or other from back home rattled my folks' cages, which in turn caused me mobile to go off, and off, and off, which in turn woke me up earlier than needed be. I heard voices. They were saying something along the lines of "Kill them. Kill them all" "You shoosh". It was Nancy's brother, X. The whole family, which is him and the parents, minus Nancy, were in.

After knocking a few years off with my toothbrush and shaving away the bankrupt pug look, I waltzed into the living room. X and I took a drive around most banks in Phoenix before finally a Travelex took my limey money and gave me dollars. Then, Last's what I imagine Boots looks like on Saturday mornings, filled with loads of frantic ladies, except instead of morning-after pills, they're going mad for cheap shoes (though $100 for D&G shoes sounds pretty standard to me). Next, Best Buy to torture myself with Region 1 crapola. They had a Law & Order boxset lasting over a hundred hours, I don't know when you're ever going to need that. Finally, ignoring all of my warnings, we took the car with the licence plate 'DATBOYX' to Zias, the big one.

First and foremost, they had a Ron Burgundy battle-ready action figure, he had a chair leg and everything. There was also a White Album cover jigsaw puzzle, a joke I didn't get until hours later. We left with series one of The Twilight Zone and a certain 99c comic.

Back at casa de Nancy, Ruby Sparks got stuck on. It were alright, whoever the main chick was in it looked like the great Emily if she'd fucked a strawberry (watch it, you'll (maybe) understand). After that fun stuff, we went and had us some bomb, which I'm told I smoked once last time. Totally believe that too - I was gone, on the moon, soaring through the cosmos whilst surrounded by marshmallow pies and looking glass eyes. On a side note, I'd love to try a marshmallow pie.

At home, despite having eaten a jumbo bag of Cheetos, a medium punch, most of a banana milkshake fit for the Gods themselves and some other stuff, we did the Mario. What? We had spaghetti, shut it! Then a cultural exchange: Blackadder for Human Giant. Pretty good.

"Here's a little agit for the never-believer"

In a bit.

Where I Find My Heaven


Yes, Comrades

Like a rock, thanks for asking. I got up before 6pm too which was just miraculous. So, my room. We're talking a double bed, a closet for me to hide in, drawers, a mirror, more drawers, Christmas mats, plugs...On a serious note, I'm one fucking lucky fucker. At that moment, the one where I left my bedroom smelling like Elton John's handkerchief cause I hadn't time to shower, we were off in Mrs Nancy's car to a destination you get no points for guessing.

Like a little lost lamb, I was dropped off at Mama Shebaaah's (get it cause lamb?). One by one, her family came through the door and I was reintroduced to them all over again. Tree's welcome was the funniest, because I knew what I'd wrote about her in the last entries, she knew, so what was said was "Hi" but I bet what she was thinking was "I heard what you said, bum burglar". Like she said, "Oh well!"

Wildcats had just started, so that's what I watched. God, if a rather unfortunate martian crash lands on Earth and asks "Ulla! What was ze 80s?" show it that movie. I liked it though. Next up was 42, a film about American footballers, namely the black ones. I wonder if in America people really do say "You wanted to see me, sir?" and 'sir' launches into some life-altering speech. Seems to happen in all these movies.

Next up was The Jeffersons. I wish I was part of a black American family in the 70s, looks a right giggle. After Prancer, which wasn't anything short of depressing, we went into Sheba's room to learn how bread is made, thanks to the Discovery Channel. So if you want to know how many baguettes the Polish produce in a week, I'm your man. An extended argument about sponges and loofahs sent us to Walmart on a sponge hunt and to be honest, that was it. I'm wrapping up because I ate too much today and must sleep.

"The blood flows through my heart and leaves like sand as I shave"

In a bit.

Lights Out, Words Gone


Yes, Comrades

Funnily enough, I spent the last night in Blighty doing exactly the same as the last time - watching Hugh Laurie decide if it's Lupus and having alcoholic beverages. The whole uproar about our hero (me) leaving was more of a downroar this time around, which was no skin off my tit. 6am comes and the father took me to the airport.

Check-in was nice and painless. Soon as the coast is clear, smokarette. After practically pulling fluff out every hole in my body just in case it was metallic, I'm sat in the departure lounge, surrounded by empty seats. A siren of a lady, for whatever reason, singled out the seat right next to me and planked herself next to me. Hmmm. Then I get my seat by the window, and who's sat next to me? Yep. I seriously thought Mummy had hired a spy or something, cause one I could've accepted, but both things happening? Hum. She said something to me in American, I laughed in confusion and fell asleep for four hours.

At Newark, I'm suspected of terrorism again, naturally. In the security room, some guy politely asks "Excuse me, I'm about to miss my flight and - " "Yeah, so's everyone else in this room, now siddown!!" Jesus, haven't even searched our cases yet and we're Osama Bin Smugglin'. After some belittling, I got back to the departure lounge (after teaming up with a black man who also thought he'd lost his case) and played my 3DS. In this game you can even rub their bellies! Imagine, in a few years we'll be able know what, never mind.

On this flight I was sat next to an Asian woman who didn't look Asian - the workload she was taking care of was the giveaway. Ok, so that's two races insulted, onto a passage from my book I think Don and Bunny Bongo will appreciate:
"He pulled his legs up against his stomach, staring at the closed closet doors. He didn't want to. His stomach hurt. A shooting pain in his lower belly.
Had to pee."

So that's a thing. Arrived in Arizona, greeted by Mama Sheba and Irie Nancy. We got my case and hit the road to Sheba Manor. I was given an agenda and a blunt. It hit hard. But I didn't lose my feet or try to French myself this time! We got home and I can't get a word out, so tired. I collapse in my bed. Bliss.

"The town has always turned these lies and made them all burn"

In a bit.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Are You With Me Now?

"Letting my boredom reduce me to comparing Henry Hoovers on Amazon"


Yes, Comrades

If a man walks into a restaurant, and asks for a pie, but instead receives a lobster hammer from the waiter, who is actually a creature composed entirely of tears and sneezes, a rift shall open up in the universe and show the man that the lobster hammer is, in fact, not a lobster hammer at all, but the eternal bleakness of eternity. You shall then see the harsh reality that you are in fact a solitary emu skating through the galaxy of toffee ice cream, and that the correct answer to this question is as follows:

"No thank you sir, for I wield the true lobster hammer! Bane to all pine cones for I am the world's first and only retrolentual pine cone slayer!"


Yes. Yes indeed. But you shall soon find out that the galaxy is, in fact, not really a galaxy but a facade. You see the galaxy soon becomes a universe of doubtful cherry drops mixed with the taxes of a small nation. This nation produces the most delightful soup that you shall ever taste. But then you find out that it is not really soup, but a giant pool of honey. As you swim through this pool you gain the knowledge of the ages, but you forget why.

And the true answer to the question is as follows:

"No thank you sir, for I am the world's first and only retroactive typewriter machine! Good nooboo!"

Between writing stellar philosophy such as what you see above, letting my boredom reduce me to comparing Henry Hoovers on Amazon, waking up with texts that say "Vip cigs go to google and click vip cigs and order photon tank costs 40£ all together all the best mate stevie" and having no idea where they came from and rubbing shoulders with the stars like so...

...I've not been doing a whole lot. But that's all changing, droogs. I return to the land of the free in about 24 hours from you reading this. It'll be the exact same system as before, with one tiny tweak: I'm sticking that there song link at the top of the entry, as it was pointed out by people that people kept forgetting to listen to the song as they read the entry (or as I predicted, didn't bother listening at all. You bastard people). Makes sense. I've started with this entry, by the way. Anyway, I need to be getting on, that xbox isn't going to waste human life on its own! Hope you enjoy the journey to some extent.

Never forget.
Oh, one more thing.

I...I love you...

In a bit.

"I have no reason to run - I see no reason"