Thursday, 31 May 2012

A Simple Game Of Genius

"So I'm sat there, some Saturday girl spraying in my mouth"

Yes, Comrades

So I'm sat there, some Saturday girl spraying in my mouth, and there's nothing I can do. I'm sat there defenceless, thinking about the 90s, the band Cartouche and how terrible they were, and the salty flavours are swirling around my pallette. The girl's not talking much and neither can I with a mouth full of her spray. Originally she wasn't turned on, so she had to go off and get switched on then came back and let loose on me. I fucking hate the dentist. Onwards!

It did get me thinking though - what else has changed I'm not aware of? Obviously when I went to the dentist I wasn't asked to open wide like a big monster. Do they say anything like that now? To appeal to the kids I mean. Maybe it's more "Open wide and don't do very much, like Tulisa"? You can't sing to your kids "The big fire engine goes ding a ling a ling". Cause it doesn't, not anymore. You try singing "The big fire engine goes NEE! NAW! NEE! NAW!" See how your child behaves. Although nostalgia should have its limits - I saw a picture of a Mr Freeze and for Facebook Likes or fucking whatever, the poor guy had said "Like if you remember these" and whoever had put the pic up had captioned it "Everyone remembers them you idiot. You still get them. I had one yesterday, you stupid attention seeking cunt" That's about right. I wanted to discuss the following with you, dear droogs: I've been pissing and moaning of late about society's ills. Here's another. The word 'Random'. I could go on forever and a day, sha'n't. But as a general complaint, why do people make references to completely obscure stuff that is supposed to be a fucking piss laugh but no sod has any idea what they're on about? I could shout "HAPPY HAPPY! JOY JOY!" and "Powdered Toast Man!" at you and yes, it may well be a fucking scream to me, but would you have any idea what I was on about? A joke is not a joke if explained it must be. Yoda, I am not.

Keeping it short. My first radio show, which will of course be called The Sergeant Dread Show, debuts this Sunday. I'm not sharing when or on what station for one good reason: It's my first time hosting a radio show, and it's going to be a complete fucking shambles, I won't have my dear droogs consider me unprofessional for a second. So I've been studying old XFM tapes all week in preparation and expect to steal many of the jokes. It would seem I need a buffoon to bounce off, to make them look stupid and me fantastic. As such, I've asked the mrs to join me if I get another show next week. The show might get recorded - if it does and I'm happy with it, I'll share a snippet or two. If not, you'll have to wait til your Searge hits his stride. Ribbit ribbit, froggy says buy it! Isn't that hilarious? Still waiting on that text from HMV by the way.

It's that time again. Every 31st at 21 minutes to 11 we do Sergeant Dread's Monthly Mantras! On time for the first time! If you're just joining us, this is where I share the songs that have summed up the month best, with links for your ignoring pleasure.

May 2012

1. Rob Dougan - I'm Not Driving Anymore (Instrumental)
2. Neon Neon - Michael Douglas
3. Joanna Newsom - You And Me, Bess
4. Elbow - Weather To Fly
5. Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly
6. Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - A Simple Game Of Genius

In a bit.


The following is an excerpt from my Australia Journal 2008-09. Just say to yourself "It's just a journal. It's just a journal. It's just a journal"

Sunday 4th January 2009

Another day, another job. Woke up to helping pack all of Mark's stuff. It was tiring and all that but it was fine. After not getting a pizza we had a nice chicken pasta thingy and kangaroo steaks. They're bland and very chewy. Doubt I'd eat it again. Mark, Dad & I played Blackjack and my luck was most ropey. Then Mark and myself played some Texas Hold 'Em. Best of 3 and he won. Then back to Broad Street to watch xxPrincessPunkxx's pish, and videos of Gears of War 2, Dead Rising and other nonsense like Mega64. The close end to this holiday is very relaxed, but I can tell emotions are due to skyrocket.
"Lazin' on a sunny afternoon" 

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