Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Slow Show

"After discussing a stripper/lapdancer called Candy (who used to be called Ian)"

Yes, Comrades

Before we get to my cabaret of cockup that was my radio show, I'd like to take you back to Friday night. Five folk, must've been about thirteen on average, sitting next to us at the train station. One was a blonde in leggings that were the American flag. First of all, what the fuck? Second of all, what the fuck? They were playing Dustbin Beaver on their cheap phones too. If I was a few years younger, I'd have been on them like shite on velcro. I'm not in my eighties. Next thing I'm in my vision of Hell: trapped in a party with MTV blaring as the music, Call Me Maybe, all that nonsense. To add insult to injury, I'm told I look like Edward Cullen. See, I'm sure you'd all agree with that, except for one thing: Most people that read this blog have met me.

So there you are. I'm feeling a bit worse for wear Sunday, so I order a pizza - a crusty supreme. They send me Diana Ross in a box. Feeling so tired it's almost trippy and psychedelic. Used to have to pay £20 to feel like that. Onwards! So the thing holding the music for my show breaks, and it's an hour til showtime. Technology, you are the bollocks. The panic came and fucking went - I'm sat in a car park with a gentleman's Mayfair, looking at a fitness club with a little sign in the window saying KA Radio. I'm going down some stairs, passing caricatures of Morrissey, Jim Morrison and The Beatles, following a voice. I walk slap bang into the studio, the guy's mid-speech. Five minutes later and I've been told what I'm doing and being slagged for liking Oasis. This seems to be a recurring thing, Oasis hatred. In any case, six o clock comes and I'm making the announcement, smacking my lips, trying to think of some shite to come out with. Now, not to spoil the magic of radio for you, for those of you who may think I was sat there with old dusty headphones from the 60s, spinning the vinyls and doing the jingles on me tod, I wasn't. We went for a smoke, and the 'magic' of radio let me play 3 songs back to back whilst we did. Proper braw. After discussing a stripper/lapdancer called Candy (who used to be called Ian), I'm back on the decks (mouse).  The worst part involved my co-host coming in after I'd explained to the listeners what the shit I was doing, so he just walked in to find me shouting "DUCK! Hello. Effin!" down the microphone. Eight o clock arrived in absolutely no time. I tell you this droogs: the power a DJ feels, it's great. It's like...if you were to go deep sea diving and ran your hand over anemones and they all retreated into their coral or whatever, it would be a similar surge of power. "Urrrrgh, they're scared of meeee!" Anyway, I'll be back on the waves regular.

The following day was spent hunting high and low for pink, fluffy, fuzzy material (don't ask) with Bunny. We covered our town, Ayr, Kilmarnock, then did our town again and found what we needed in Tesco in the form of baby blankets. So we bought two. The person serving us looked at BD's stomach and raised a suspicious eyebrow. This was made even more suspicious when we realised we might be short, so went and bought another one. "Bugger me, they work fast!" The absolute highlight of the day though, had to be when the mrs asked me what a corgiss was. Apparently Tesco were selling corggises, if you so desired a corgiss. "What you on about?" She points to a sign. "Buy corgis just like old Liz!" God help us all. Sodding corgiss...

No Australia journal this entry, got four and a half minutes of humiliation to share with you instead. Sundays 6-8 is the Sergeant Dread show from now on, fucking tops eh? I won't let it go pony.

In a bit.


Songs Played - 3/6/12

Kid Koala - Slew Test 2
Feeder - Come Back Around
Ocean Colour Scene - Mechanical Wonder
Bombay Bicycle Club - Leave It
Turin Brakes - Painkiller (Summer Rain)
The Chemical Brothers - Let Forever Be
My Morning Jacket - What A Wonderful Man
K-Klass - Rhythm Is A Mystery
Bruce Springsteen - We Take Care Of Our Own
Paul Weller - Pink On White Walls
Richard Hawley - Leave Your Body Behind You
King Harvest - Dancing In The Moonlight
Weezer - My Name Is Jonas
The Velvet Underground - I'm Waiting For The Man
Pink Floyd - The Great Gig In The Sky
Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds - Aka...What A Life!
Melody Gardot - Mira
The La's - That'll Be The Day
The National - Mr November
Ren Harvieu - Forever In Blue
Inspiral Carpets - Saturn 5
Primal Scream - (I'm Gonna) Cry Myself Blind
Traffic - Hole In My Shoe
Arcade Fire - Black Wave/Bad Vibrations
Cast - Beat Mama
The Doors - Hello, I Love You
Echo And The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon

No comments:

Post a Comment