Thursday, 29 March 2012

Hey Bulldog

"Adele is only Rolling In The Deep because she's too fucking lazy to walk"

Yes, Comrades

Yes...well, hello. Enjoyed London. It truly is the most beautiful place I've ever been to (well, apart from Las Vegas, California, Manchester and Australia in Winter. But anywhere else? NO!) I forgot to mention a slip more ridiculous than most I've slap. Please bare it in mind in the future to automatically assume I mean T Pain or whatever that chap's name is, when I say T Dawg. Don't fully understand why that wouldn't be acceptable to call him that, but there you go!

Let's clear one thing up now - Adele is only Rolling In The Deep because she's too fucking lazy to walk. Am I right or am I right? 'You're right Sergeant Dread' thanks very much. On the topic of famous people, The Apprentice is the topic on everyone's lips (need to give their arses a chance incidentally) at the moment. Radio 1 was on for whatever reason in the Jazz Wagon today and away the Welsh DJ went, tearing the show down. You want to know what I love about Radio 1? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Taking humbridge I feel it only appropriate to make it known to you all - sucking cock isn't as easy as Apprentice contestants make it look. Tulisa for example isn't that great, she sucks cock at sucking cock. On the subject of the radio, if you drive along and Classic FM comes on for just a few seconds, that's all it takes to make you feel like Hannibal Lector. Don't understand? Try it.

Was in Largs on Saturday. They have steakhouses. Steakhouses! Everyone is very camp too. If you took the name Allan and referred to Allan as Camp Allan The Right Queer Gay, I don't think Allan would be anything other than flattered and call you a big silly. Maybe a goose or two for good measure. Sunday was spent wandering Coatbridge. This confirmed what I already knew to be true: place names that sound fucking great are never anything like fucking great. Coatbridge Sunnyside. Let's break that down - Sunny: full of sun, bright, colourful, cheerful, gay (in the good way, as we used to say in Primary school. Gay in the good way. I say we, I mean I) and Side: side. It was a fucking dump, didn't enjoy that very much. I sincerely hope my comments don't detract the masses and throngs of people who have seen Coatbridge Sunnyside in their holiday brochures and decided that's the holiday haven for them. That bloody Time Capsule too. Remember what we previously discussed about people saying they forgot what they were going to say and how, out of ten, helpful that was? Well myself and the mrs were met with an even less helpful response to our questions. Google Maps was having a right old chuckle at us, sending us every which way but loose. "Do you know how to get to the Time Capsule from here?" "Do you know something?" (that's another annoying question while we're on the subject. It really, really tempts one to do an impersonation of that whinging faux-Spanish bastard from Fawlty Towers. "I know nothing! I know nothing!") "Do you know something? I've lived here my whole life, and I have no idea" "Do you know what street we're on then?" "Do you know something?" "Fuck. Off. I'll ask somebody else"

We gave up and got the train home after a tantrum or two by the way. John O'Groats awaits. Onwards!

In a bit.


The following is an excerpt from my Australia Journal 2008-09. N.B. From this entry onwards, I can't warn you any more. It's going to get really nasty

Monday 22nd December 2008

Shock horror! No shopping today! Went to WB Movie World. Started off with an hour long line, guest including a blonde teen with a voice for Huggies. I tried not to, I really did, but I laughed, sort of an inch from her face. Went on a Scooby coaster, a log ride, a nutty Superman rollercoaster, and saw a Shrek short in 4D (water and stuff included). The inner child nearly escaped, but I kept my posture. After dancing with Catwoman armed with a whip, I came home to Gary Glitters and Jack Dee. There was more, but the pics taken say more than I can (see Bebo or Myspace for details) James Bond films are highlighting my evenings.
"Why walk when you can run?"


  1. It's Xzibit dude haha, even says so on his t-shirt. :P

  2. That was just me relaying the story of me calling T Pain by T Dawg in the most casual way possible :P I'll be calling him Zippit next

  3. *sigh* Everybody knows his name is Yo-Dawg!