Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Weather To Fly

 "She was a bit rough actually, was like chafing on sandpaper"

Yes, Comrades

First of all a very happy tenth belated birthday to the great, the fantastic, the inimitable, the real McCoy, accept no substitutes, BBC 6Music! Good, now all I do is sit back and await that now inevitable call from Ms Lauren Laverne. I am of course being modest. She was a bit rough actually, was like chafing on sandpaper. That's a fucking joke by the way.

So, I'll start with a nice, light, frothy subject. Kony. What a bandit. Definitely a bandit, that one. I've signed my name to the cause, me dear amigos. Yes, I certainly have. I've liked - wait til you hear this - I've liked the official page on Facebook. How is it official? I don't know. I assume they have some device that measures authenticity like that. I think it's a Chinese device. Of course now you instantly believe me, because I said it's Chinese. Returning to my act of bravery for a minute - yes, that's what I did. But it doesn't stop there, not by a long shot. You see that "Share" button on your favourite Book of Faces? Guess what I did. Go on, guess. You'll never guess. I clicked it. So now all of my faithful friends can do the same. And in time, Kony will be shaking in his sandals (sorry, racism) at the thought of all of us, united as one, liking the same page, as if sat vegetating together in one dirty room in one of our mothers' houses, one being, ready to Like or Share or for the braver souls, Comment - yes, I said it - on anything related to Kony that we so happen to see.

Mind you, we could always, you know, actually take action of some sort instead? Just a mad idea.

It's been an oversight for me to mention that soon I'll be donning the goggles; the fur collar jacket and the Leslie Phillips accent. No, I'm not making Carry On Captain. I'm going to be having me first flying lesson. Present for my last birthday. Nifty, eh? It's the one outdoor event where you actually have to cross your fingers for a cloudy day. Topsy turvy. You may have noticed I said my first flying lesson - who knows, or dares to dream, what may come next? Bit more expensive hobby than say, fucking newt-breeding I'd have thought. We shall see.

I was sure I had something else to discuss with you. What was it, what was it...oh, come on now, think...(Why do people do that? Tell you that they've forgotten what they were going to say? "Oh right, well I'm sure it would have been fucking enthralling anyway") Isolation tanks. That would be an experience. Although I hear from very reliable sources that the isolation can become so isolating that one can forget their isolation. Follow? Good. A man, or woman, not being sexist, or naming names, I don't know any, can get so worked up that, as we discussed in nauseating detail, they can forget their isolation. She, or he, or it, or sir, or He in my case, thinks out loud. "I'd like to go to Japan" "Who's that?! Is there someone else in here?!! Who are you?!!!" "I'm the man who wants to go to Japan!" "....Help!!" That's a one person conversation by the way. Why did I get on to that? Completely lost what I was going to say, cock up on the memory front.

You currently find me listening to Debussy, struggling in vain to get the peanut powder out of my bag of honey-roasted into my mouth.

In a bit.


The following is an excerpt from my Australia Journal 2008-09. Warning: high levels of bollocktalk in following paragraph

Monday 15th December 2008

Out it again at 9pm. Forgot to mention Skye. Lovely big girl. Good company and lots of fun. I'd buy her a drink, but I doubt you're allowed dogs in bars. Went to shops today, bought stickers and cheetos like a rock star does. Had an hour long dream last night, which was oddly continuous. Plenty of other unrelated ones too. That's pretty much the amount I did today, I'm writing about my dreams. Oh and correction, there is in fact a TV in my room. The pool is great, leaves out yer nut. 4 minute showers are an experience I recommend. Reminder - buy Picture Book.
"I had 22 dreams last night"

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