Saturday, 1 June 2013

The Jaguar


Yes, Comrades

I should point out I'm skipping some details (such as my roomkeeper Jacinta walking in on me in the glory and saying "Aw shit! I is so sorry!" and fucking off) for page space. The following detail isn't necessary: I was up at 7:00am to catch a bus we had the wrong time for and so, missed. Y'know?

On the way to Irie Nancy's we got a McD's blueberry and pomegranate smoothie, another thing we need. Then we headed for Castles 'n' Coasters. I'm told I say "Shit was so cash" a lot. So, shit was so cash. Log ride, rollercoaster, pendulum coaster thing, but no go karts. School trips ahoy, that queue was a piss take. So we had a go at the crazy golf.

Palace, mad scientist's lab, windmill, unicycle park...all in a day's work for the craziest, golfiest fuckers around. Oh, I lost my ball and we stopped keeping score after five holes - a hole in nine on a par two is a bit of a dignity stripper.

The arcade was my next cringy stage to dominate. House of the Dead 4, DDR (cheater), crane machines, Temple Run, Guitar Hero (which, by an eerie coincidence, gave me Sabotage by the Beastie Boys when I chose 'Random') then the Creature from the Black Lagoon pinball machine, and we faced off in air hockey. I lost at all the things.

Wal-Mart is Asda with double the choice and double the size. Bloody country o'mine...McDonalds is much the same, except they don't do small size. Ever. So we perused the Desert Sky and Christown Spectrum malls and went to Mama Sheba's, is what I'm trying to say.

We were joined by Trina. She's permanently stoned and has a fucking hilarious demeanor. She sounds exactly like a stock Brooklyn girl they use for the TV and films and that. They call her Tree. The amount of pot she smokes, I doubt that'll be an inaccurate nickname for long.

And now, amigos, we made for the Jaguar Club. This time they let me in. Me, Tree, Nancy and Sheba sit there in stony silence, while girls in Bertie Bassett bikinis feed us booze. Jack and Bud were my best friends. A few drinks and smokes later, the night's picked up. Next thing I know, a girl's bare nipples are in my mouth and Scottish people are 'sooo fuckin' sexy'. The Jaguar's a strip club. I didn't mention? Oops, la. A good 45 minutes of foreplay to the max on my lap later, I down Tree's beer and we go back to my motel room. We being Nancy and I. She drops me off, and I write this. Now if you'll excuse me, I have booty dust to wave off my crotch.

"I will always remember you smiling, running away from the rising tiger emotion against you"

In a bit.

1 comment:

  1. You look like she's crushing you. Oh my, this is the best photo so far. I'm going to get it blown up to bill board size!