Friday, 31 January 2014



Yes, Comrades

You always feel a bit awkward on your birthday, like the guy that everyone knows has weak bowels and can't help it, it's not his fault, but he's just shat in the community pool. All attention is on him, but he'd prefer to just paddle out unnoticed.

But my wee steel ladders were removed, like one of those fucked up days on The Sims. You've done it, don't lie. I was greeted with handshakes, hugs and kisses and in what seemed like no time at all, we were at Red Lobster. X had very kindly came along too. First thing we were asked, "You guys celebrating anything?" Dammit. After very much enjoying Robert the lobster, or the Robster, the staff sang.

After cleaning up the blood, we went home. Every time I left the room, some more paraphernalia would appear, a card, a cupcake, a present, something. Just as I'm settling into the afternoon, the candles are lit and I'm making my wish to be slightly less brilliant, because life's complicated enough. The cake was delicious. Again, only a right twat would list all of their presents, but again, I was one spoiled little fucker. Except, they sang to me again.

We arrived at Mama Sheba's with no real goal in mind, just to hang, as Irie Nancy put it. I was sang to again. Even little Audrina gave me a pretty heartwarming rendition, then got back to what she was doing, impersonating Sylvester the cat. We sat around watching Looney Tunes for a bit, then Debbie made a proposal. At this, Nancy and I popped out. Before we did though, I bumped into Tree, who dropped the happy birthday bombshell. At this, Eddie, little Eddie, Christie, Isabelle, Christine and Tree all launched into song. Argh!

My present from the Sheba family was bomb, or should I say, Even Jamaicans Say 'Don't Smoke This Mon' Super Bomb. I hadn't felt so away with it since the first time I ever smoked the ganja, or 'space chocolate' as my mate Fly Boy called it. They sang to me again.

You get a free Grand Slam from Denny's on your birthday, so we went there. We got wired into it - I got scrambled eggs, sausages, hash browns, bacon and a jumbo pancake drenched in syrup, all for free. I mean, wow, fuck me. Best day of my life. I felt better now, so we stopped at Sheba's for one more. This turned out to be a good idea. They didn't sing.

It's a small mercy that on the day you're one step closer to death, everyone's so nice to you, as if to take your mind off it. Maybe that's why. Cake, ice cream, cartoons, K.O.

I DID get an action figure of this glorious bastard, though.

"Time makes you bolder, even children get older. I'm getting older too"

In a bit.

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