Thursday, 2 January 2014

Go Long


Yes, Comrades

So I was dragged out of the Wienerschnitzel championships with the Dachshund race, hotdog-eating contest and Mustard Lake and back to boring old reality. You see it's clever because apart from the Mustard Lake part, I made fuck all up about that.

After getting through the usual daily nonsense, I had me some trouble with Skype. You see, I've never been fully comfortable with that lark, and I'll tell you why. On one of my first uses of the damn thing, someone I didn't recognise added me. Thinking it could be anyone from Michelle Pfeiffer to Claudia Schiffer wanting to talk to me, I accepted. Within minutes, a deep, booming Turkish voice asked me to take my panties off and called me darling. This conversation ended with a confused call to Childline and a discussion on 'petit sports'.

Anyhoo, myself and Lady Saw eventually got our Skype chat underway. Don't sound like a whole lot's happening over yonder. The rest of the afternoon was spent watching this one movie which really confused me; Jodie Foster was doable?!

Eventually me and Irie were off to the Chinos (that's the Chinese to you and me). They even had a wee arcade cabinet which obviously meant we weren't leaving until I had saved all of humanity. I'm a guy who genuinely gets frustrated playing Frustration, so this made for messy business.

After eating, we made our usual stop at you-know-where before taking a trip to Thunderbird, where you-know-which-shop was. I had the least luck at this location. "Right, that's it, no more Zias for the rest of the year". Oh ho, oh me.

Back at the other house, they tried to teach me the ins and outs of basketball and college American football, and I tried to explain to them why they are all idiots. See, that's a joke, but I know for a fact they think I really do think them buffoons. I'd like to state that I don't, and since this is my journal, I think I will, so fuck you.

We went home and finished Super High Me. Ok, for a stand-up comedian, Doug Benson isn't very funny, this point we agreed on. I also didn't learn much by watching his experiment, so, appealing as the film may sound, I say skip it.


"But you don't even own your own violence"

In a bit.

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