Friday, 3 January 2014



Yes, Comrades

With pretzels in my bed and hate in my heart, my journey continued. I don't know how those things wormed under the covers with me, I'll skip the terrible puns though.

On the agenda for today was to find some love, some new friends and above all, serenity. So, after some careful deliberation, we, we being Nancy, Mrs Nancy and I, took the car to the Japanese Friendship Garden of Phoenix.

You, dear droogs, are probably well aware of how such an environment would make me feel by now. We were given food for the five hundred or so Koi fish. I just kept getting put in mind of that one Jo Koy comedian who haunted me the last time - the little fish were telling me that they did not own a bear and all sorts. There were lots of trees; a world-renowned restroom (no, really); bridges and ducks. Oh, and a tea house we weren't allowed in. Sons of a bitches. We left with less friends than we came in with and wondered if that warranted a refund.

After Irie Nancy's race against time to get high, which she failed, we went to meet up with X, Alecia and her mum at the Kobe Japanese steak house. I nearly tried tofu, had I not noticed it in my seawood soup, then I'd have had to retire and join the gay mafia. When one reaches the point in one's life when one can have swordfish, how does one say no? Jeremy Clarkson has eaten seal flipper with grated puffin on it, that lucky bastard. All of our food was cooked in front of us in an almost magic show-like way, I must admit that was very cool.

After this it was all pretty standard. What a very Japanese day! Any more Japan and I'd have been sat watching Naruto with Nancy San, we'd have had a son we would always be disappointed with and my penis would have shrunk to nanometres (see I know shit!).

I figured that little bit of extreme racism deserved its own paragraph. We then went to our usual evening hangout, where they delighted in confusing me to death all over again. Quote of the day came from Sal Sheba, aimed at me. "Hey, how's your juice box, buddy?! What you guys doin'? Just getting high, enjoying some Pretty Woman? Man, he's fuckin' lit!". My juice box, by the way, was a little mini apple juice carton I'd emptied but for some reason was still hanging on to.

Award winning

Found him

"Now that we've lost our way, the rest can all fall apart"

In a bit.

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