Friday, 17 January 2014

Something Is Squeezing My Skull


Yes, Comrades

A lot of you don't understand how to cope with the incurable misery that comes with the crippling disease known as Manflu. So, here's my quick guide for you - you're fucking welcome. First, ensure your brain stays active and functional by enduring a light session on your Xbox. Next, select proper viewing material to soothe and at the same time stimulate your senses, such as Anchorman, Rocky, Shawshank, 2001: A Space Odyssey or The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford. Finally, ensure your environment is ideal; stay in the lying position with a bedpan handy for your missus to empty, but it is essential that a can of Rockstar (or Red Stripe if you're particularly suffering) is within reach at all times, along with sour cream Pringles. If your girlfriend/carer mocks you, just remind her that she can't possibly know how you feel, because she isn't a man and has never had a shot in the pills. Fact.

Luckily, I had followed my advice to the letter and as such, am alive. I self-medicated with Twilight Zone and olive loaf sandwiches. Eventually, we picked up Nancy and went home to eat steak, doctor's orders. I normally like my steak so rare that it winks at me, and it wasn't too far off, so as an invalid I was made up. Why haven't Blue October written a song about Manflu yet? Or have they? They whine, piss and moan about everything else, so why not?

With my skull in the vice of anatomical mercy, we headed to FYE. That's For Your Entertainment, FYI. We wandered around and kept wondering why shit was so expensive here compared to...wait, ok, enough of this walking advert bullshit. Anyway, I got us a movie and we rushed to the Fiesta Mall so I could release my manfluid. Wait, that came out wrong. No not that please come back!

I decided I was much too sick to go on a bender, as originally planned, so we just went back to you-know-where. Harriet The Spy was on. Turns out she grew up to be the twin who was a bit of alright in Euro Trip, so I could only keep thinking "You grow up to fuck an annoying guy in a plane toilet" (spoilers for a ten year old movie). I decided to see if 'it' really is the best medicine and honestly, it isn't really, not any more than booze or that.

After taking Tree for a take away, we retired. We watched a film I'd bought before and had seen. Would it surprise you if I told you Nancy cried all through it?

"I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out. Thank you, drop dead"

In a bit.

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